The Three Main Causes of Divorce By John Lightener
I often hear people say they are divorcing due to infidelity or "growing apart, or better yet, "I fell out of love." I've often wondered if these people who cheat, grow in a different direction or fall out of love ever think about what got them there in the first place: to the point of divorce.
How or better yet, why do people go from happily married to divorced? Something happens between these two points and it has very little to do with infidelity or falling out of love and everything to do with the two people who are a party to the marriage.
The Major Causes of Divorce:
Laziness: People don't want to work at marriage. There is a misguided belief that marriage will make us happy. As if marriage is a separate entity, something outside ourselves that will survive and thrive with little input from a husband and wife. Women plan huge weddings; throw bridal showers and go into marriage not having any idea what marriage is. Men find a woman to care for, adore and work to take care of and to take care of him, only to find himself married to someone who wants more of his time and attention and then a little more after that. What happens when both become disillusioned with their marriage? They start looking outside themselves to define the problems in the marriage instead of looking at the situation and asking, "What can I do to make things better?" Blame seems to be the path of least resistance. It is easier to blame a spouse or marriage in general than to take responsibility for how they are living inside their marriage and what possible changes they may need to make that will allow a marriage to flourish. People are too lazy to do the self-exploration, learn better relationship skills and put the needed personal effort into a marriage. Bottom line, marriage takes hard work.
Lack of Communication Skills:
Pure and simple, people don't know how to talk to each other and they know even less about listening. The most important conversations people have are with a spouse yet they put so little effort into wisely expressing their feelings and openly listening to their spouse.
It is also common for spouses to want to avoid conversation they fear will cause them or their spouse pain. If you can't communicate, you can't solve marital problems. The easiest way to build trust in a marital relationship is via open and honest communication skills. If TALKING and LISTENING don't become a habit there is little hope.
High Expectations: As Sam Walton said, "High expectations are the key to everything” unless of course we are talking about marriage. Expectations and laziness can go hand in hand when it comes to predicting whether a marriage will end in divorce. That woman you married probably also has very high expectations of marriage. Men and women both make a lot of assumptions when it comes to marriage and what to expect from a marriage. These assumptions are based on many variables and problems arise when the outcome (marriage) doesn't meet the assumptions or expectations. Marital expectations rarely align with the realities of what life is like inside marriage. You see, this is where communication and expectations play a role in the outcome of marriages. Communication before marriage can keep down any unrealistic expectations one may have of marriage.
In conclusion, it is my belief that divorce is not about infidelity or unhappiness. Divorce can be and is avoided by those willing to work hard at marriage, those who know how to effectively communicate and those whose expectations are realistic.
Nine times out of ten if a husband or wife cheats they cheat as a result of problems in the marriage. All of these problems could have been solved if the work had been done. The same goes for those who say they "grew apart" or, "fell out of love". Marriages have to be nurtured, if not they fall victim to a myriad of problems. Are you nurturing your marriage? Before throwing in the towel make sure you have done everything to fix what is broken.
I often hear people say they are divorcing due to infidelity or "growing apart, or better yet, "I fell out of love." I've often wondered if these people who cheat, grow in a different direction or fall out of love ever think about what got them there in the first place: to the point of divorce.
How or better yet, why do people go from happily married to divorced? Something happens between these two points and it has very little to do with infidelity or falling out of love and everything to do with the two people who are a party to the marriage.
The Major Causes of Divorce:
Laziness: People don't want to work at marriage. There is a misguided belief that marriage will make us happy. As if marriage is a separate entity, something outside ourselves that will survive and thrive with little input from a husband and wife. Women plan huge weddings; throw bridal showers and go into marriage not having any idea what marriage is. Men find a woman to care for, adore and work to take care of and to take care of him, only to find himself married to someone who wants more of his time and attention and then a little more after that. What happens when both become disillusioned with their marriage? They start looking outside themselves to define the problems in the marriage instead of looking at the situation and asking, "What can I do to make things better?" Blame seems to be the path of least resistance. It is easier to blame a spouse or marriage in general than to take responsibility for how they are living inside their marriage and what possible changes they may need to make that will allow a marriage to flourish. People are too lazy to do the self-exploration, learn better relationship skills and put the needed personal effort into a marriage. Bottom line, marriage takes hard work.
Lack of Communication Skills:
Pure and simple, people don't know how to talk to each other and they know even less about listening. The most important conversations people have are with a spouse yet they put so little effort into wisely expressing their feelings and openly listening to their spouse.
It is also common for spouses to want to avoid conversation they fear will cause them or their spouse pain. If you can't communicate, you can't solve marital problems. The easiest way to build trust in a marital relationship is via open and honest communication skills. If TALKING and LISTENING don't become a habit there is little hope.
High Expectations: As Sam Walton said, "High expectations are the key to everything” unless of course we are talking about marriage. Expectations and laziness can go hand in hand when it comes to predicting whether a marriage will end in divorce. That woman you married probably also has very high expectations of marriage. Men and women both make a lot of assumptions when it comes to marriage and what to expect from a marriage. These assumptions are based on many variables and problems arise when the outcome (marriage) doesn't meet the assumptions or expectations. Marital expectations rarely align with the realities of what life is like inside marriage. You see, this is where communication and expectations play a role in the outcome of marriages. Communication before marriage can keep down any unrealistic expectations one may have of marriage.
In conclusion, it is my belief that divorce is not about infidelity or unhappiness. Divorce can be and is avoided by those willing to work hard at marriage, those who know how to effectively communicate and those whose expectations are realistic.
Nine times out of ten if a husband or wife cheats they cheat as a result of problems in the marriage. All of these problems could have been solved if the work had been done. The same goes for those who say they "grew apart" or, "fell out of love". Marriages have to be nurtured, if not they fall victim to a myriad of problems. Are you nurturing your marriage? Before throwing in the towel make sure you have done everything to fix what is broken.
