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Intimacy...

12/31/2014

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Intimacy?

There are four stages to intimacy.  Each can be described and felt.  Unfortunately, the path is not straight, and it is certainly not without false paths.

Stage One:  Pseudo-Intimacy
This is where we all start.  Nearly every relationship starts with the assumption that 
“We are just alike”.  Sometimes, a couple is amazed to discover such common things as favorite foods, music, books, movies, similar values and beliefs.  The couple looks at each other lovingly, amazed to have found someone with such similar interests and loves.
Pseudo-Intimacy is based on these similar interests.  In fact, the individuals may find that they tend to ignore the differences at times, and may choose to accentuate the similarities.  This maintains the sense of connection and of being alike.
Pseudo-Intimacy exists in the upper level of the personal view.  At times, it extends into deeper areas, but the first points of connectedness are often around that top layer.  Eventually, one takes a risk and disagrees.  This marks the beginning of the end of the stage of Pseudo-Intimacy.   Some couples are years into marriage before they risk this.  Others find this on the fist date.  Either way, both find themselves in a new relationship.  This leads to stage two.

Stage Two:  Chaos
Suddenly, the couple is aware of the feeling that, “You changed.  I need to get you back.”  This would be far less chaotic if each could see these differences were there all along, but we all cling to the feeling of being alike.  So, the stage is set.  Two people who are very different are each trying to get the other back to seeing things like he or she did.  The chaos stage is marked by unproductive struggle.  Each states his or her view, but fails to listen to the others.  Why?  Both are convinced that their view is the correct view.  And so they struggle – arguing, debating, haranguing, and pleading; but both have discovered their voice and neither budges.  In the end, neither moves, but both are amazed at how quickly someone can change.

Stage Three:  Emptiness
After the stage of Chaos comes the most painful stage where the relationship is most likely to be abandoned.  In Emptiness stage, there is a deep pit of emptiness in one’s stomach.  It feels like the relationship is mired and lost.  The good news, however, is that this comes just before true intimacy – if you hang in.
If Chaos is the discovery of differences, Emptiness is the discovery that “We are nothing alike, and I don’t have a clue what to do with you.”  Unfortunately, the stage of Emptiness is a very vulnerable point for the relationship.  People often assume, “it’s all over,” even though this stage is so close to intimacy.  When our stomach feels the empty pit, we become frightened.  We may bail out to a new relationship just so we won’t feel empty.  When we don’t know what to do with our partner, we begin to feel hopeless.  That means you are ready to move on.  It is hopeless to change the person back to something he or she never was.  It is possible, however, to move to something new.  That something may be a renewed and fulfilling relationship with your partner.  Emptiness has to be waited out.  There is no way to avoid it if the goal is intimacy.  There are ways to lengthen the stage of Emptiness.  One way is to decide to move back to the stage of Chaos.  This does little but prolong the movement toward intimacy.  The only way to intimacy is through emptiness.   Going around Emptiness is impossible, and going backward is counterproductive, and jumping out into a new pseudo-intimate relationship just puts you back at the beginning.  
Four strategies for moving through the stage of Emptiness:
1. Decide to hang in.  This is hard because our instinct is to drop out – get away from the feeling.  Make a decision to hold on, to continue moving through this stage.  People often fail to realize they can make the decision.  There is more destruction by moving back and forth, vacillating on what to do.  Make the decision to hold on, and trust that this is a stage.
2. Decide that things must improve.  Unfortunately, it is at this stage that we feel little energy to improve the relationship.  In fact, we often feel drained by the feeling of emptiness.  So, make a decision that things must improve in the relationship, and take it upon yourself to make some of these changes.  It is possible to own the situation without owning the problems.
3. Decide how to re-energize, re-invigorate and re-impassion the relationship.  What would it take to bring energy into the relationship?  Do you need to play more?  Do you need a fresh perspective?  And what will bring passion back?  Part of the antidote for emptiness is fullness; bringing the creative side of you back into the relationship will fill the relationship.
4. Move toward acceptance of the other.  This is key.  If the statement, “I don’t know what to do with you,” marks the stage of Emptiness, the answer is simple – accept each other for who the other is.  Love them for their differences; cherish what they bring into the relationship.
These strategies move you forward through the emptiness, and move you to the final stage:  Intimacy.

Stage Four:  Intimacy
After viewing the fist three stages, you are probably anxious for the good news.  That would be Intimacy, the goal of this journey.  Intimacy is an appreciation of the differences, an understanding that these differences cause growth in both and add strength to the relationship.  At the stage of Intimacy, the meaning is “We are nothing alike, and that is what makes our relationship so wonderful.”  Intimacy is a full appreciation of the other.  It is when we move beyond our “projections” about the other and see them for who they are.  When we are caught up in our projections, we see them for who we want them to be, good and bad.  Some people see only the bad in the other, while others are only able to see the good.  In actuality, neither is fully correct.  Yet how we see the other person so profoundly impacts how we treat them that we must take the risk and see them for who they are.   When there are problems in a relationship, especially when one is considering divorce, the view of the partner is skewed.  Don’t make your partner out to be evil, pretend their lack of love and kindness is a reality.  They are never found with horns and pointed tail that you make them out to be.  You will instead find another human being who is just as hurt and just as confused as you are.  For deep reasons neither can see the other for who he or she is.  That is the task of intimacy: to see the person for who that person is – and treasure it!

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Emotions...

12/30/2014

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Why Not Emotions?

Unfortunately, we have all been raised in a culture that finds the romantic notion of love to be supreme.  Sure, those emotions bond us together in the early days of a relationship.  But emotions are not the “North Star” of a relationship.  Life cannot be navigated based on the presence or absence of these feelings.  The true North Star of a relationship is commitment, which is based in action, the “doing” of a relationship.  This sometimes entails continuing to love (action) someone even in the absence of the feeling of love.
On a basic level, emotions are reactions in the chemistry lab of our bodies.  Sure, they are wonderful when they are around, but the fact that they are missing doesn’t indicate the death of a relationship.  This is when the hard work begins!
Even more importantly, when the emotions are missing, we often try to find some way to recapture the emotions.  This is a losing proposition.  It moves from the wrong direction.  Emotions are not the goal, but a side effect of the action of loving.
When one acts lovingly toward another, one naturally begins feeling more loving toward the other.   Feelings follow action and not vice versa.  More than that, most find it a losing proposition to try to “make” themselves feel a certain way.  It is easier and more effective to choose to act in a certain way.  Anyone can “make” themselves act in a chosen way.  From that, feelings emerge – almost without fail!
Many of us are aware of the fact that emotions ebb and flow in the life of a relationship.  Even with this knowledge, we seem to forget it in the day-to-day life.  When the emotions are missing, we begin to believe, “I’m not in love anymore.”  When, in actuality, the relationship is in an ebb pattern.  The flow, if allowed, will return.  That simply is the nature of relationships when we don’t interfere.
What to do?  If emotions are a dead-end and our fist instinct is to show love the way we wished to be loved, you may be wondering, “How do I show this person love?” 
  1.  Consider what the other person does (or did) to show love.
2.  Ask!
Even if the two of you have lost the habit of treating each other in loving ways, you may have the opportunity to think back on how love was expressed to you earlier in the relationship, and particularly during periods, where the feeling of love was evident.  This can provide some clues on how the other person feels loved.  If you show love in ways that love was shown to you, you may discover the key to best showing love for that person.  And best of all, ASK the other person how to love him or her.  Think to yourself, what would it be like to have your spouse ask you how you would like to be loved.  Would that not be a powerful discussion?  Would that not make you feel loved, even in just having that discussion?
One relationship trap is to assume that we must know what the other wants, or it isn’t genuine.  “Mind-reading” is a high standard to hold another to.  In fact, it has been the death of many relationships.  Give up on thinking bout what you or your spouse is “supposed” to know, and concentrate on discovering what you and your spouse haven’t known about each other.
Relationships cannot be sustained on the illusion that the other should “know” if it really is love.  Instead, healthy relationships are all about discovery and growth.  Make it your task to learn about the other, to discover their secrets.  And don’t trap yourself in expecting them to know your secrets.  Share them.  Seek to have your spouse share his or her secrets with you.  Discovering the secrets of each other lies at the heart of successful relationships.  It is a discovery process unlike any other.  This is a shift in understanding.  It is the difference between seeing a marriage where both are on the same “wavelength” to seeing a marriage as a discovery of the other’s wavelength.

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Love...

12/29/2014

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What is Love?

Love is too often linked to emotion, not to action.  When we ask ourselves whether we are still in love, we end up wondering if we still have the emotional connection to the other person.  Unfortunately, even the action of questioning leads to more doubt, not less.  When we raise the question, we begin to ponder the question.  When we ponder the question, we can often create the answer we want.

So, instead of asking whether we love our spouse, it is much more useful to begin treating our spouse as if we do love him or her.  As we treat someone “as if”, we often find the emotions that once felt lacking, to be returning.  The question needs to shift from “do I still love (emotion) him/her?”  to “how do I love (action) him/her?” 

The simple task of asking this question shifts our perspective.  When our perspective shifts, the relationship shifts.  The art of improving a relationship is usually a shift in perspective.  Rarely do people “work” themselves to a better place.  Instead, we shift there.

Ask the question, “What can I do to show my love?”  And here is the difficult part: we rarely have the best way of showing the other our love.  Our actions usually come from an understanding of what lets us know that we are loved.  And here, the specifics run up against the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as we would have them do unto us.”  For this point, it may be rephrased:  “Show love to others as THEY wish to have love shown.”

We all have different ways of feeling loved and feeling accepted.  The problem is that we usually assume the way we feel love is also the case for others.  There are many, many ways to show and be shown love.

Some find love in words, others in touch, others in deeds, and still others in gifts.  Within those broad means, there are many specifics.  Our task, as lovers, is to discover how the other yearns to be loved.  This is the learning task of any successful relationship.  Discover that and you discover the deepest yearnings of a spouse.

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AS IF....

12/27/2014

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When the Emotions are Missing:

Sometimes, the emotions just seem to have escaped you.  You may feel completely incapable of feeling love, passion, or any other emotion toward your spouse.  You may have transferred these feelings to someone else.
I have good news for you!  There are some specific things you can do to get back in touch with those missing emotions.  However, the first thing you must do is to commit to sticking in there.  Eliminate the third party if there is one! Asking the question of whether you still love someone completely misses the action part of being loving.  But more dangerously, asking that question continues the loss of emotion.  You can become so focused on the lack of feelings that you miss the opportunities to rediscover the feelings.
Move toward the feelings:
1. Remember that at their essence, feelings and emotions are cyclical, somewhat like the tide.  They move in and move out.  And there are some extremely high tides and low tides.  But, sure as the pull of gravity, low tide moves to high tide, and vice versa.  So, when feelings are low, instead of getting concerned and bailing out, choose to wait.  Soon, the feelings will move in a more positive direction.  Don’t get too caught up in wondering why this is the case.  Just accept that it is the case, and move forward.  Sometimes, a change of emotion is as simple as waiting for the emotions to change on their own.
2. Choose to be playful.  When people begin to feel less loving and warm toward their spouse, their first reaction is to retract, get serious, and work hard to change the feeling.  This ends up being particularly counterproductive.  Few relationships rediscover the passion by working harder.  Usually, the working harder is what caused some of the loss of passion in the first place.  So try to find some activities that might be lighter.  Take up a new hobby together.  Go for walks, hikes, camping, trips, etc. together.  Perhaps you can think of the things that used to make you laugh together – take that skinny dip in the pool, sneak away for a dessert together, whatever it was.  Remember it and do it again.
3. Remind yourselves of how the relationship started.  When you seem to have lost warmth toward each other, think back on how your relationship started.  This story you share tends to drive criticism away and you look at each other with loving eyes.  The room is transformed from one of coldness and distance to warmth.  Is this connection fleeting?  Often, it is.  But it reconnects the couple to a feeling they have forgotten how to have.  Sometimes, they just need to be reminded that the feelings are still there, even though they are buried.
4. We create some of our reality.  We unknowingly have a great deal of control over our perception of reality and situations.  The secret is known as “Acting as if…”  Here is how it works:  imagine what you would be doing if you felt differently, and act as if that feeling is there.  If you were feeling loving toward your spouse, what would you be doing?  How would you be looking at him/her, acting toward him/her, responding to him/her?  Do those things.  The amazing thing about this technique is that it works.    Your task is to discover the many ways you can “act as if…” in your relationship.  Your relationship will be transformed because you have discovered a method of transforming your feelings toward the relationship.  Use your power!

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    Author

    Now into my 50's I have things to share, insights to give, and advice that  might help you avoid the pitfalls I have already found.  Some posts are articles that have been helpful to me and others are my own thoughts and feelings on a particular topic.  May your life be full of happiness!

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