Blog Archives

Understanding Anger

1/28/2015

Understanding Anger

Many people experience anger in their relationship, but find themselves at a loss on how to “get rid of it.” Part of the difficulty in moving away from anger is rooted in our understanding of what anger is about. Since we often feel anger as a lead emotion in a given situation, we begin to believe anger is the primary emotion. In other words, we believe the angry response is really about anger. IT IS NOT!

Anger is a secondary emotion. It is not the primary emotion. But since it feels so strong, it often drowns out the true primary emotion. The primary emotion is more often something in the neighborhood of hurt, disappointment, or dismay.

This is not to say that anger is not an important emotion. It is. It lets you know that a part of your Self feels under attack. Anger’s role is to protect the self, to push away the perceived threat. But when we forget about the primary emotion, that emotion is never addressed. Over time, the relationship gets more and more rooted in anger and resentment.

But this misses the reality of the relationship failing to meet the needs of the individuals. And equally important, it misses the reality of hurts and disappointments that are never addressed. The task of marriage is to move beyond the emotion of anger and toward the true primary emotions. Dealing with those emotions causes the anger to evaporate. But when the primary emotions are ignored, the secondary emotion of anger only gains extra strength in an attempt to protect the Self from any further damage.

Avoid animosity, contention, and anger in your life. Anger damages or destroys almost everything it touches. To harbor anger is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. It is a vicious acid that will destroy the container long before it does damage to the intended object.

Shift your understanding of anger from an attack on you to the revelation of something by the other person. It is a gift, albeit much like being handed a porcupine! Still, there is something soft inside, because it is really someone you love sharing something important to him or her.

0 Comments

TIME:

1/24/2015

0 Comments

Thoughts about Time and Shifting Paradigm’s

I feel like this past year has been the hardest, most emotional year I have had to face so far. It has also been the year of the deepest reflection, self-awareness and change that has occurred in my life.

I read the Screwtape Letters earlier this year and was reminded of the importance of time. Time is an interesting concept. We often find ourselves existing in three different possible times: the past, the present, and the future. Many relationships get trapped in living in the past. More successful relationships live in the present with an eye toward the future. Those who are most successful in their relationships learn to live in the present, leaving the past where it should be…in the past.

Don’t think you live in the past? You may not live the majority of your relationship in the past, but you surely move there when it is time to change. When change is suggested you may respond with “I don’t think it will work because it didn’t work…in the past.” This eliminates the possibility for change.

Change is free to happen in the present and into the future. This notion cannot be underestimated. When you find yourself believing nothing can change, at least ask if that feeling is because of a reflection on the past. I even caution about living toward the future. That doesn’t mean you don’t plan for the future. Lack of planning leaves you vulnerable. You do your planning, then you live. Let the planning take care of things.

Living in the present is learning to have an appreciation and awareness of what is going on around you. When you are having a conversation, it is truly listening to what the other person is saying. That is different than what we often do, hearing enough to move us to think about our own response. We suddenly leave the present and move into the future – what we are going to say. Or we get caught in the past, considering what we said or what the other person said another time.

Living in the present is cultivating an awareness of the food we are eating, the fun of playing with a child, the feel of the wind on your face. It is an intimate interaction with your surroundings, a connection that moves you out of your head and into your senses.

We create the past and remember the future. In other words, we use the present perception to interpret the past events. This creates the past. Then, we use what comes from the past to steer our destiny. Our future is “remembered” as we experience it. Our perceptions of the past are never accurate. They are our views of the events. These events have been registered through our paradigms, leaving imperfect viewpoints.

Further, our future is affected by that created past. The past is inaccurate and the future can become caught in this inaccurate viewpoint.

The alternative is to live in the present, to stay in the moment. When we feel pulled toward the past, we must remind ourselves that this is an imperfect memory, and not entirely trustworthy. Pull toward the future is also countered by recognizing that we can be held back by the limitations of our memories and perceptions. The future unfolds when it is allowed to unfold. Otherwise, we find ourselves unfolding our lives in costly and painful ways.

We all expect that our lives, our finances, and our relationships should follow a certain path – upward toward better. We believe it should be a constant process of improvement, and getting better. But life does not seem to point in this direction. I would encourage you to give up on this model. It mostly leads to disappointment and frustration. Instead of relationships following the constant growth model, I propose and believe that relationships follow a paradigmatic process of development. In other words, relationships, when allowed to, EVOLVE!

Relationships often find themselves caught in a cycle of conflict, disagreement, struggle, or painful existence together. At the end of this struggle, the relationship can go in either of two directions. Either the relationship moves to a higher level of evolution, or one of the persons in the relationship decides to end it. Unfortunately, in the moment, the couple is most aware of the struggle at hand. And since we have been led to believe that relationships are supposed to follow a steady degree of growth, the points of conflict feel like trouble points. They are, instead, opportunities for growth. Indeed, they are crises, but crises that open the opportunity for growth. In the Chinese language the word symbol for crisis contains the symbols for danger and opportunity wed together. Each crisis point marks the place where an old paradigm is failing, and where a new paradigm is needed. It is not the failure of the relationship, merely the failure of the current paradigm. When failure occurs, it is time to create a new paradigm – not return to the old one. The new paradigm may allow for more of each person in the couple to emerge. More of the individuality of each must be included in each shift, encompassing more and more of the whole of each. Then we finally arrive at a place where we are allowed to be who we are. We become who we are in the context of a relationship that includes where the WE is!

0 Comments

We All Have a Paradigm:

1/24/2015

0 Comments

We all have a Paradigm

A paradigm is a model, a way of seeing the world. It helps us process information without being overloaded. Paradigms act like filters, and when information comes toward us that challenge our view of the world, we tend to ignore it or to reinterpret it. Paradigms are neither good nor bad, they simply are. People cannot exist without them. The challenge of each person is to examine when a personal paradigm is failing and to be willing to change it. Unfortunately, paradigms are most easily seen in hindsight, and not in the moment. We fail to realize that we all live in a paradigm. We all miss facts that would challenge our view of the world. We all make decisions based on facts that may or may not be complete. An individual’s paradigm is neither right nor wrong. It is, however, incomplete. We all have individual paradigms. They are the result of our life experiences, gender, age, education, and multitude of other variables. Those paradigms are valid, but they are NOT reliable. Paradigms are valid because they make sense to us. We do not see the inconsistencies from inside the paradigm. It looks logical and all holds together. But externally, no paradigm is reliable. It cannot be applied to everyone else. In Psych 101, the idea of Johari’s Window tells us we all have visible and hidden parts. These parts are often even invisible from us. There are parts that are visible and known to us and to others. There are other parts that are visible to others, but not to us. There are parts that are visible to us, but not to others. And finally, there are areas that are hidden, not only from others, but also from us.

Paradigms have this element to them. Our paradigms are somewhat known to us, and somewhat known to others. But never is the entire paradigm known to both others and us. There are hidden, unknown parts. As people get to know us, they begin to see more and more of how we see the world. It is there that another can see the inconsistencies in a paradigm. But we must acknowledge there are those areas that remain hidden to all, and will always be hidden. That is the nature of paradigms. They operate in the background, a “software operating system” that limits what we recognize and how we interpret. It has its place. But there are also weaknesses.

The problem with paradigms is not that we have one, it’s that we forget that we have one. We begin to believe that the way we see the world is the right one, instead of one way. It happens throughout life, but it is particularly painful in the context of a relationship. Most couples begin to assume they see things alike. When it becomes clear this is not the case, the couple begins to try to get each other “back on track,” back to seeing things alike. This is rarely successful, since neither saw things identically in the first place. Sure, couples often see many things very similarly; this compounds the problem. The more things are seen the same, the easier it is to assume you are seeing things just alike.

When a couple is dealing with the paradigms of each other, it may be helpful to have some model of understanding. I caution that this is only a model and not meant to be definitive. It is limited. People have three different layers to their paradigm. The top layer consist of our daily stuff – movies we like, books we read, food we eat. It is really a reflection of our preferences. In the overall scheme of life, it gives the flavors of living. However, in the overall scheme of a relationship, this may be less important. Interestingly, it is here that a couple first discovers their differences. They end up not liking the same movies, books etc. However, a relationship with some depth will look beyond this. Each will seek to benefit and learn from the other’s interests.

Couples can, if they desire, quickly move beyond this layer. They may decide to do things separately, or compromise on a movie or restaurant. This level is the easiest to navigate. The next layer down comprises our worldview. It includes how e think about money, what we do with our time, and how we deal with problems. This is the area that often “trips” a couple. We come to believe that these areas must be in concert for a relationship to work. This is not the case. There is more than enough room for differences in perception and worldview in a relationship. But the differences cannot be ignored. Room must be made for them.

The bottom layer of a person’s paradigm is the most crucial. It holds one’s beliefs, standards, and values. Standards are what we expect of ourselves; they are what we “live up to.” This is the bedrock of existence. We may be able to compromise on the top and middle layer, but the bottom layer creates the foundation for living.

When this bottom area is not very similar for a couple, problems will emerge. For example, if one of the couple expects honesty and integrity, and the other does not value this, problems will emerge. The two will take these beliefs into their communication, which will have a large effect on the outcome of that communication.W

Fortunately, people typically find their mates to have very similar points of agreement in this third layer. When couples learn to navigate the paradigm issues, couples often find themselves on their way to a successful relationship.

Our paradigms become like glasses we forget we are wearing. We think we see clearly, but we are always looking through lenses that alter reality from how others see it. And everyone is wearing a pair of glasses! But most have forgotten.

Now we need to learn how to escape the paradigm trap. Acknowledging that your own paradigm is not the correct paradigm, but merely a paradigm is key. Once that happens, you become free to see that someone else’s (particularly a spouse’s) is not the incorrect paradigm, but merely another paradigm. Ah! The freedom of discovery!

When I realized we all see the world from a different perspective, I realized something even more powerful: We all do the best we can, where we are! That does not mean we are all operating at our optimum capacity. Instead, it means that at this place in time, given the current circumstances, we are doing the best we can. Sure, we all could do something more, something different. But that would be by shifting our understanding…our paradigm. If that shift happens for you, what you may discover is a great deal more compassion. You may give yourself more room, and others more room, to fall short and try again. Why? Because this perspective allows us to relax our judgmental side, and to accept people and ourselves where we are.

0 Comments

Haven't You Heard? It's all about ME!

1/21/2015

0 Comments

That is correct when we are examining our worldview. Rarely are we able to move outside ourselves and see it clearly form another’s perspective. We see it from our own position. For example, when someone says something critical, we feel attacked, failing to see it as being about the other person. When someone tells me they are angry with me, I can take it as an attack on me or see it as a confession of where the other is. Their anger is about them. It is only partly about me. While I am responsible for my actions, it is impossible to control how the other person responds to my actions. The other person’s reaction may or may not be in line with my actins. I am responsible, therefore, for my actions. They are responsible for their reactions.

Doing it TO you vs. Doing FOR themselves

When we feel slighted we lose track of an important distinction: Doing to you vs. doing for themselves. People rarely are doing something to someone as much as they are doing something for themselves. Even when someone attacks another, it is often in response to feeling attacked. It is a defense. This distinction is critical. It helps us to realize that even personal attacks cannot be taken so personally. Instead, they can be seen in the context of the other person’s state. When this is the case, it is possible to see beyond the attack, to see that the other person is responding out of his or her own need. In our higher moments, we can often move outside of ourselves and recognize the impact of our actions and responses. But in the midst of stress, this rarely is the case. Our most natural response is self=preservation. This creates the position of acting FOR (in defense of) ourselves. While we can move beyond this on a conscious basis, it may be important to remember that just because people CAN move beyond themselves, they may not do so in any given situation. When we feel slighted, it is important to understand the distinction between TO US, which hurts us, and FOR THEMSELVES, which requires understanding of the other person. Okay, so now your understanding may be shifting. When you feel attacked or hurt, you may now begin to recognize the fact that the other is responding from their own reality. You may recognize it is truly about them. Does that mean you excuse the behavior? NO! It merely means you understand the behavior for what it is. You can still hold that person accountable for the behavior. The implication is that people really are doing the best they can, where they are. People are rarely as mean-spirited as we make them. Their actions may seem mean-spirited to us, but often have another interpretation for them. The meaning for them is likely to be far more benign than that which we assign. We are also left with a clear understanding that we all live from our worldview. We respond in protective ways to ourselves. This helps us nurture a more compassionate view of the other person. The other person can be held accountable for their actions, while also being seen as innocent. What a paradox!

0 Comments

The Secret I Wish I Had Known:

1/6/2015

0 Comments

The Secret I Wish I Had Been Told: Why is Respect Such a Big Deal?

I ask you the question “Would you rather feel alone and unloved in the world or would you rather feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone?” Who would ever choose to feel unloved? A large majority of men will say they would. Respect and affirmation is so important to men that they would rather feel unloved than disrespected or inadequate. Many men have a hard time answering this particular question because they feel the choices are basically the same.

The basic truth here is that if a man doesn’t feel respected he cannot feel loved. Your husband needs to know that he is respected for who he is by you to be able to accept your love. Guys aren’t big on words and they aren’t big on expressing their feelings and this can be really frustrating to women. Showing a lack of respect can be things that you do not intend at all. It can even be gestures that you think are helping. In fact, the “helping” often times is what is the disrespectful part. It often comes across as “I do not feel that you are adequate enough to accomplish the goal” or “you aren’t doing it the right way so I will just do it myself.”

How a guy reacts when he feels disrespected:

Let’s look at how a man handles being disrespected. He is probably going to handle being disrespected by getting angry. He isn’t going to say “You are disrespecting me!” during a conflict. He will just shut down and has a hard time expressing his feelings. You can pretty well assume that a man is feeling disrespected if he is angry. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs has stated that, “In a relationship conflict, crying is often a woman’s response to feeling unloved, and anger is often a man’s response to feeling disrespected.”

Wives and Husbands both have critical needs:

Every woman would like to be loved unconditionally by their man. If a man could learn to pour out a little more love when their wife was particularly unlovable he could take care of a lot of his wife’s emotional needs.

A man on the other hand needs his wife to give him unconditional respect. Unconditional respect means that you are able to accept a man for who he is and keep that separate from what he does. That is a pretty hard-to-understand definition. A wife can show her husband unconditional respect in three ways: believing in him, liking him, and trusting him. If a man’s wife gives him confidence in those three things he will serve his wife with his all.

Biblical Admonition to Husbands and Wives:

The Bible is pretty clear in Ephesians 5 when love and respect is explained: A husband is told to love his wife and a wife is told to respect her husband. The passage does not mix the two roles to say that the husband should respect his wife or the wife should love her husband.

It is important to understand that the husband feels respected by feeling that his wife chooses to trust and honor him. He will put out his best effort to meet his wife’s needs above his own when he feels this.

Your Respect Matters to Him:

Respect is a choice. A wife chooses whether or not to demonstrate respect to her husband. Likewise, men can choose to demonstrate love toward his wife. Respect is something a man needs to feel. This is very much how a woman feels when she doesn’t hear her husband tell her he loves her. It is not that a wife doesn’t respect her husband or that he doesn’t love his wife as much as they need to be able to feel it.

Now would be a good time for you to consider how you are doing with God’s design for your role as a wife or husband. It is very easy for a wife to take control of the home and family, but are you following God’s design or have you made him and your husband very small? Have you left your wife to handle everything alone? Do you forget to tell her how much you appreciate her? Respect and Love are a choice. How are you doing?

The biggest mistake is that we forget the UNCONDITIONAL part of love and respect and place parameters around our spouse having to be or act a certain way to merit our giving. This is an erroneous belief because when we were bound in marriage, we already promised UNCONDITONAL love and respect.

This is not about our spouse’s worthiness.

Unconditional means NO CONDITION can arise that stops you from dealing with the situation in a loving or respectful manner. We might say your love or respect is UN-situational or UN-circumstantial. No situation, circumstance or condition in your marriage can CAUSE you to react in hostility or contempt.

         No matter the conditions, show love and respect to your spouse.

         No matter the conditions, you have the freedom to choose a loving and respectful demeanor.

         No matter the conditions, your spouse cannot stop you from loving and respecting.

In a strange way, this becomes incredibly freeing! My response is my responsibility…and not dependent on my spouse’s behavior.

Are you showing unconditional love and respect towards your spouse?

Do not say: “He/She doesn’t deserve my respect.” Or “He/She hasn’t earned my respect.”

Unconditional love and Unconditional respect are not earned or deserved within a marriage, they simply are.

**This is the place where I probably made the biggest mistake in my own relationship. Although I loved my husband unconditionally, I did not always respect him unconditionally. I did not understand this concept of unconditional love AND unconditional respect. I cannot go back in time and change things, but I can express how sorry I am for not showing respect to the one person I promised to always love and respect. What I can do is take what I have learned into a new relationship someday and do it right this time.

0 Comments

Wonder Why?

1/1/2015

0 Comments

Why do They Leave?

We all have theories as to why men or women leave a relationship. Studies show that Men will abandon a relationship when it’s no longer giving them what they need. Men like to be admired for who they are. They want respect and to see interest coming in from the opposite sex.

Dr. Lee H. Baucom explains things this way:
When a relationship gets stale, men may seek out another woman who has the newness and interest their old lover once showed. Call it manhood, call it ego – whatever it is, you have to let your man know he’s wanted and admired in a big way or he’ll get that boost from someone else. It isn’t right, but it is likely.

When a couple first gets together a woman is really good at letting a man know she’s interested. She bats her eyelashes, smiles a lot, giggles, and is touchy-feely with him.

Then as time drags on, she starts going without makeup, wears sweats instead of that cute outfit she used to don for him, and because she’s no longer trying to land him, she doesn’t put as much effort into laughing at his jokes and showing interest in him. This is the normal process of a relationship but it can be hard on a man.

Men don’t leave because they found someone prettier or thinner. They leave to feel respected, admired and wanted again. You’ll often hear men complain about wanting to stop being nagged to death.

It’s not the nagging that’s the problem – it’s the fact that their woman is conveying she’s somehow unsatisfied with who he is and what he has to offer, and that’s what eats away at him and drives him out of the relationship.

This doesn’t mean you can’t ever express your true feelings, but you have to balance those thoughts with an expression of love, and admiration that will feed the fire of your love. You don’t have to sacrifice your self-respect and cater to his every whim.

Women leave for completely different reasons. They’re loyal to the end, until they stop feeling appreciated by their man. Men tend to think of some women as being high-maintenance because they’re needy and crave attention.

It’s not the attention they need – it’s the feeling that you appreciate everything they do – from the way she puts a little love note in your lunch to how she calls you at work just to hear your voice.

This is why women who cheat, do it with men who shower them with attention and praise for who they are and what they have to offer the world.

We often feel that the relationship ended because of constant arguing and fights. The most common reasons men give for leaving a relationship is “No matter what I did I couldn’t make her happy!” after so long of not being able to make his girl happy, he WILL give up and go with someone he feels HE CAN make happy.

And the message given by women? “He doesn’t appreciate a thing I do!”

Do you see the pattern? Take the steps necessary to create a different pattern in your relationship. It’s all about love and respect.

0 Comments

Understanding Anger

TIME:

We All Have a Paradigm:

Haven't You Heard? It's all about ME!

The Secret I Wish I Had Known:

Wonder Why?

Author

Archives

Categories