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Emotions...

12/30/2014

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Why Not Emotions?

Unfortunately, we have all been raised in a culture that finds the romantic notion of love to be supreme.  Sure, those emotions bond us together in the early days of a relationship.  But emotions are not the “North Star” of a relationship.  Life cannot be navigated based on the presence or absence of these feelings.  The true North Star of a relationship is commitment, which is based in action, the “doing” of a relationship.  This sometimes entails continuing to love (action) someone even in the absence of the feeling of love.
On a basic level, emotions are reactions in the chemistry lab of our bodies.  Sure, they are wonderful when they are around, but the fact that they are missing doesn’t indicate the death of a relationship.  This is when the hard work begins!
Even more importantly, when the emotions are missing, we often try to find some way to recapture the emotions.  This is a losing proposition.  It moves from the wrong direction.  Emotions are not the goal, but a side effect of the action of loving.
When one acts lovingly toward another, one naturally begins feeling more loving toward the other.   Feelings follow action and not vice versa.  More than that, most find it a losing proposition to try to “make” themselves feel a certain way.  It is easier and more effective to choose to act in a certain way.  Anyone can “make” themselves act in a chosen way.  From that, feelings emerge – almost without fail!
Many of us are aware of the fact that emotions ebb and flow in the life of a relationship.  Even with this knowledge, we seem to forget it in the day-to-day life.  When the emotions are missing, we begin to believe, “I’m not in love anymore.”  When, in actuality, the relationship is in an ebb pattern.  The flow, if allowed, will return.  That simply is the nature of relationships when we don’t interfere.
What to do?  If emotions are a dead-end and our fist instinct is to show love the way we wished to be loved, you may be wondering, “How do I show this person love?” 
  1.  Consider what the other person does (or did) to show love.
2.  Ask!
Even if the two of you have lost the habit of treating each other in loving ways, you may have the opportunity to think back on how love was expressed to you earlier in the relationship, and particularly during periods, where the feeling of love was evident.  This can provide some clues on how the other person feels loved.  If you show love in ways that love was shown to you, you may discover the key to best showing love for that person.  And best of all, ASK the other person how to love him or her.  Think to yourself, what would it be like to have your spouse ask you how you would like to be loved.  Would that not be a powerful discussion?  Would that not make you feel loved, even in just having that discussion?
One relationship trap is to assume that we must know what the other wants, or it isn’t genuine.  “Mind-reading” is a high standard to hold another to.  In fact, it has been the death of many relationships.  Give up on thinking bout what you or your spouse is “supposed” to know, and concentrate on discovering what you and your spouse haven’t known about each other.
Relationships cannot be sustained on the illusion that the other should “know” if it really is love.  Instead, healthy relationships are all about discovery and growth.  Make it your task to learn about the other, to discover their secrets.  And don’t trap yourself in expecting them to know your secrets.  Share them.  Seek to have your spouse share his or her secrets with you.  Discovering the secrets of each other lies at the heart of successful relationships.  It is a discovery process unlike any other.  This is a shift in understanding.  It is the difference between seeing a marriage where both are on the same “wavelength” to seeing a marriage as a discovery of the other’s wavelength.

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AS IF....

12/27/2014

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When the Emotions are Missing:

Sometimes, the emotions just seem to have escaped you.  You may feel completely incapable of feeling love, passion, or any other emotion toward your spouse.  You may have transferred these feelings to someone else.
I have good news for you!  There are some specific things you can do to get back in touch with those missing emotions.  However, the first thing you must do is to commit to sticking in there.  Eliminate the third party if there is one! Asking the question of whether you still love someone completely misses the action part of being loving.  But more dangerously, asking that question continues the loss of emotion.  You can become so focused on the lack of feelings that you miss the opportunities to rediscover the feelings.
Move toward the feelings:
1. Remember that at their essence, feelings and emotions are cyclical, somewhat like the tide.  They move in and move out.  And there are some extremely high tides and low tides.  But, sure as the pull of gravity, low tide moves to high tide, and vice versa.  So, when feelings are low, instead of getting concerned and bailing out, choose to wait.  Soon, the feelings will move in a more positive direction.  Don’t get too caught up in wondering why this is the case.  Just accept that it is the case, and move forward.  Sometimes, a change of emotion is as simple as waiting for the emotions to change on their own.
2. Choose to be playful.  When people begin to feel less loving and warm toward their spouse, their first reaction is to retract, get serious, and work hard to change the feeling.  This ends up being particularly counterproductive.  Few relationships rediscover the passion by working harder.  Usually, the working harder is what caused some of the loss of passion in the first place.  So try to find some activities that might be lighter.  Take up a new hobby together.  Go for walks, hikes, camping, trips, etc. together.  Perhaps you can think of the things that used to make you laugh together – take that skinny dip in the pool, sneak away for a dessert together, whatever it was.  Remember it and do it again.
3. Remind yourselves of how the relationship started.  When you seem to have lost warmth toward each other, think back on how your relationship started.  This story you share tends to drive criticism away and you look at each other with loving eyes.  The room is transformed from one of coldness and distance to warmth.  Is this connection fleeting?  Often, it is.  But it reconnects the couple to a feeling they have forgotten how to have.  Sometimes, they just need to be reminded that the feelings are still there, even though they are buried.
4. We create some of our reality.  We unknowingly have a great deal of control over our perception of reality and situations.  The secret is known as “Acting as if…”  Here is how it works:  imagine what you would be doing if you felt differently, and act as if that feeling is there.  If you were feeling loving toward your spouse, what would you be doing?  How would you be looking at him/her, acting toward him/her, responding to him/her?  Do those things.  The amazing thing about this technique is that it works.    Your task is to discover the many ways you can “act as if…” in your relationship.  Your relationship will be transformed because you have discovered a method of transforming your feelings toward the relationship.  Use your power!

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    Author

    Now into my 50's I have things to share, insights to give, and advice that  might help you avoid the pitfalls I have already found.  Some posts are articles that have been helpful to me and others are my own thoughts and feelings on a particular topic.  May your life be full of happiness!

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