Category: Love

Love isn't perfect...

8/6/2015

Love isn't perfect.
It isn't a fairytale or a storybook and it doesn't always come easy.
Love is overcoming obstacles, facing challenges, fighting to be together, holding on and never letting go. It is a short word, easy to spell, difficult to define, and impossible to live without.
Love is work, but most of all, love is realizing that every hour, every minute, every second of it was worth it because you did it together.

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How to let Love in

7/29/2015

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how to let love in.

There are many, many guides for loving someone else: how to love this kind of guy, that kind of girl, a guy who ____, a girl who ____.

But what about ourselves, the ones doing all the loving?

Once we’ve learnt how to love someone the most perfect way we can, and they love us back, are we ready and able to receive that love? To let ourselves be loved by them?

Actually, even I don’t think I really know if I have all the answers to this. My own dear heart has splintered enough times that parts of it are still being held up by Band-Aids. Then, it becomes almost easy to forget how to let ourselves be loved.

Sometimes the love we let in turns toxic; sometimes it burns; sometimes it just ups and leaves, a giant gaping hole in its wake. We become wary about letting any of it come near us again.

But there have been times where I have been loved, and where I loved back fully, my heart stretched so wide open it was almost smiling. Those days or weeks or however-long-it-was held some secret truth in them, an elixir we should bottle up and use again for when our hearts need mending.

So I’ll reach back to those old days and try, just for a moment, to reclaim a few of those secrets for letting ourselves be loved.

1. First, know that we are worthy

A cliché, but a true one. I think much of allowing love back into our lives is to know and believe that we are deserving of that love in the first place. Know that even if our hearts are a little mushed up, pockmarked in places, bent out of shape, they are uniquely ours and beautiful and strong in their own ways.

No matter how much muck we’ve had to wade through, that heart—you, me—started out in exactly same place of newness and clarity and goodness, as every other being on this planet. By that spark of good that resides in every single one of us alone (and I believe it absolutely does, no matter how many mistakes we have made so far), why shouldn’t you or I or any one of us be as deserving of love as the next person?

2. Let ourselves be loved by ourselves

I know how frightening it can be to rip those Band-Aids off of our heart and open its doors again—we never quite know what will come flooding through, whether it will hug us with the love we hope for or flatten us in sadness.

So how’s this: how about letting in a “safe” love first? How about opening our hearts to ourselves?

Wrap yourself up in the love you would give to another delicate, dear being. Care, nurture, nourish, feed, indulge now and then. See all the prettiest parts of yourself and feel proud, like you would if you were looking upon your own child. Remember the splendid, you-est parts of you that wouldn’t be found in anyone else and celebrate them.

If this is still too hard, we can start by just being gentle and kind with ourselves; allowing ourselves to be wherever we are in each moment. Breathe. Move. Smile. Cry. Dance. Write. Sleep.

Do whatever it is that makes your heart sing and helps you be the you-est, most unique, most brilliant you; this is all part of nourishing and caring… and eventually, falling in love with yourself.

3. Know that we are already loved

I think many of us know this, but perhaps don’t really realize or live it on a daily basis: That “love” or “being loved” isn’t just about the love of a romantic partner.

There is already so much love in our lives, which count for more than we probably really realize every morning as we wake up and stumble through our days: the immeasurable love from our families, the friends who may as well be family, our animals, nature itself as it leans in (through food, weather, the ground, the plants in our gardens) to nourish our bodies and minds and spirits. And most of all, the love we constantly, continually have from our Heavenly Father.

We can let our hearts “practice” at letting love in through all the love that’s already filling our pores and bathing our skins. With each phone call from a friend, a hug from a parent or a wet, slobbery kiss from an excitable Great Dane, let your heart swell a bit more and nudge away a Band-Aid.

The more love we let in—from what is already around us—the more pliable and elastic our hearts get; the more able it is to stretch in the direction of opening and welcoming more in.

4. Know that there is (already) plenty of romance

It’s true, you know. There really are plenty of opportunities for romance every day, whether we’re single, or looking, or attached, or whatever—“it’s-complicated”—status we’re in.

There is romance and delight in the everyday—we just have to notice it. More importantly, we can create it for ourselves in so many of the interactions we have, or the things we do.

Write letters by hand, go for a picnic with an old friend under a favorite old tree, bake something special for someone who helped you recently, buy flowers for yourself, go for barefoot walks and stop to look at birds, sit in the moonlight alone, eat doughnuts messily and get sugar all over your face.

This is also about nourishing ourselves. It is about acknowledging that we’re deserving of romance, joyful delicate things, love and celebration, whatever our “marital status” and whatever we’re doing.

It is about leaning in to ourselves, listening out for what makes us light up and giving that to ourselves. And when we light up, others notice. They’ll want in on it too—to love this light, to love whatever it is that’s bringing us alive, to love us too.

5. Open up the space for more love

To really let ourselves be loved is a careful process. It’s dipping one toe in the water, then a foot, then a leg before daring to dive in completely. It’s about getting comfortable with the idea of being loved in the first place, putting our hands out to feel our way around it.

But here’s the trick: we can “practice” letting ourselves be loved, through any of the four points above. This is getting our feet wet.

As we practice and become more comfortable with what it means to be loved, nourished, cared for, celebrated, we’re acknowledging to ourselves and others that there is love in our lives; that we are worthy of love; that we are grateful for love; that we enjoy being loved.

Like attracts like. So as we recognize and feel the love we already have, our hearts flex and stretch and strengthen their walls, trying it all on for size. Our hearts dare to throw off their bandages, open their cracks a little wider to let more in. We open up more space for more love.

The best part? We’ll be ready when more of that plump, juicy, heart-thumping love does come.

But even if it doesn’t, we’ll already be filled up, we’ll already be loving and we’ll already have learnt how to let ourselves be loved.

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I loved...

7/25/2015

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I loved him for his touch

For those eyes that shied away so easily. For those lips that told me I deserved more.

Maybe it was the way he closed his eyes when he played Bob Dylan songs.

Possibly it was those times when he called me sexy and pulled me back into his arms.

I loved him for all the times we laid on the bed, on sand, and on everything in between. I loved him for the way he smelled of old spice and musky-maleness.

I loved him just because.

I can’t explain it any other way.

He left.

He left when I could have used the most love. It took the deepest pain, mixed with his absence, to realize I do not need to love him, to fill my heart any longer.

I fill my heart.

I love me for how I stroke my own hair. For my hazel green eyes that gaze back at me in the mirror. For my slightly pink lips and the smile they produce. For the fact that I can’t get through a Bond movie without wanting to be Bond, not the Bond girl. Or maybe it’s the jokes I make in my head that no one will ever hear.

Maybe it is how I close my eyes when I listen to Bob Dylan songs.

Possibly it is those times when I fall onto my bed after a difficult day, feeling strong.

I love me for the times I’ve sat alone on beds, beaches, and tree branches. I love me for the way people smile at me.

And when asked, I always have a colorful answer.

I love me just because in the end, I am all I have. The best part is that there is no worst part.

Somewhere along the way I’ve taken back my heart without forgetting the times I loved.

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Give up Now - You will never be married to the same person:

3/5/2015

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I have a dear active LDS friend. She married her high school sweetheart after waiting for him on his mission and dating him for two more years. They were married for five years…before he filed for divorce and left the church.

My parents got engaged five days after their first date. They are still married.

What…what?!

How does that happen?

I thought it was so important to know someone before you marry them and then everything works out?

Well…not quite.

See, after a few basic traits of ‘must haves’ and ‘can’t haves’ for the sake of compatibility, the person you marry is of little to no consequence.

Why?

Because they aren’t the person you will stay married to.

In a study done by a Harvard psychologist, Dr. Dan Gilbert, he interviewed thousands of individuals about personal change and concluded that “all of us are walking around with an illusion, an illusion that history, our personal history, has just come to an end, that we have just recently become the people that we were always meant to be and will be for the rest of our lives.” (Read the whole TED talk here) That is because it is easier to look back and see the changes that have happened than it is to look into the future and imagine inconceivable circumstances that will surely shape us.

That “illusion” that WE have already done most of our changing in life is as scientifically and rationally ridiculous as the “illusion” that we are marrying someone for the rest of our lives.

I, for one, have spent so much time trying to find ‘this specific type of person,’ while completely ignoring the fact that they will be different in 5 years, 10 years, 50 years…and guess what…?

So will I.

And if marriage is a commitment, then, in effect, I have to choose to stay committed and married to a new person, as a new person, every day.

That choice is made by work.

What I do know is that my fear that I married the wrong person is completely unfounded based on the fact that I will never marry one person.

So what I’m saying is that my friend is to fault and my parents are to emulate?

Not at all. There are so many circumstances I can’t even pretend to understand about why one couple is together and the other isn’t.

What I’m saying is that we only have one choice…and that is to continually choose to be married to the same new person over and over.

And that, to me, is a lot less scary than I feared.

So after looking for compatibility, love and marriage is about finding someone who is committed to change with me as we constantly become new creatures in Christ. For in the seas of change, it is only on a sure foundation that we can anchor our relationships.

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Unconditional Love...

3/3/2015

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“When you make the sacrifice of marriage, you’re sacrificing not to each other but to unity in a relationship.”

It is true that love and marriage means sacrifice, when we love someone we become selfless, devoted and we learn to accept the one we love wholeheartedly. Marriage may go in waves of ups and downs. Through these trials the love and commitment between partners are being tested, but how far would you go for the one you love?

“Blind Devotion” is a masterpiece about unconditional love. The story is about when a devoted wife and her loving husband face the biggest dilemma in their lives, which will put their commitment as a couple to an ultimate test.

“Sacrifice may sound awful, but it is one of the purest ways to show love to someone. Saying “I love you” is good, and necessary; but, giving of yourself, time after time, is proof that you really mean what you say.”

True, Unconditional love is shown by loving someone even when they don’t want you to.

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We don't always get to choose:

3/1/2015

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Divorce is an optionPOSTED ON FEBRUARY 20, 2015 BY KAYLA LEMMON

I don’t think I’ll ever forget her eyes.

Or the way her face changed when she told me, matter-of-factly, that it was done. Her husband left her and he wasn’t coming back.

The last two—three?—weeks have been circled around this very decision. We’ve all been impacted—losing sleep and losing our minds. He was our close friend too. It was a complete betrayal that left us all shocked and hurt.

He came home one day, packed a bag, and said the “D” word that means all the things that our worst fears and nightmares are made out of. He walked past their wedding album, grabbed a shirt she had bought him on vacation a couple months before, and that was that.

And it was nearly midnight when I got the call and came to—not pick up the pieces—but sit with her in the mess of pieces he left behind. There was no explanation. Now, three weeks later, there still isn’t. But it doesn’t matter because he’s gone.

I watched her go from helpless to sad to angry to sad again to strong to weak all in the matter of hours and days. But there was no other choice. I helped her pack. I helped her cut up credit cards. I distracted her with Slurpees and potato chips and episodes of Grey’s Anatomy. I stayed up with her until she fell asleep and then I cried myself to sleep because I hadn’t had a chance to yet.

I watched her make the decision to get out of bed each day and the decision to quit her job and move out of state and the decision to start over. I watched her confront her mom and dad with eyes full of tears and I carried her hope chest into a waiting car, my arms carrying the weight of memories. I watched her wrestle with feelings of self doubt and grief and pain and anger with Heavenly Father. I watched her question whether she was pretty enough. Strong enough. Good enough. She never thought she’d be “that” girl.

But who does?

“Divorce isn’t an option,” she said to me a million times, once when I was half asleep one night. “Doesn’t he know that?”

And that’s when I realized: It is.

Of course divorce is an option. When we forget that, we judge incorrectly. We have a stigma within our churches and even within society that says, “Divorce isn’t an option” and instead of it being meant as, “Divorce shouldn’t ever be the first option and it shouldn’t be the convenient escape route” it casts a bad light on those who are left, who have to leave because of abuse or addiction, or for those who found themselves oppressed or abandoned in some other way.

We were sent to this earth with options. We have an option to get married—and we have the option to leave it, too. We have the option to abuse and hate and live for ourselves–and we have the option to choose God. Do we always choose the right options? No. Watching my friend curl up on the ground, watching her withdraw her paycheck and cancel her phone and leave her life behind for good to start all over—I know for a fact it wasn’t the right option he chose. Buthe made that decision. And she shouldn’t be left with the red letter A on her forehead. Because out of the terrible choices of others will always come remarkable blessings anyway.

The simple truth found in Isaiah 41:10 speaks plainly: “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, yes, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”

No matter which choices we make–no matter what choices those around us make–we are in the palm of his hand. We are his children. Divorced, abused, heartbroken, lost, angry or abandoned–we’re his children. And we’ll make it.

I’m not writing this because I take marriage lightly or because I am an advocate for slipping the ring on and off without a second thought. I’m writing this because I watched someone I love break apart into a million pieces as soon as the door shut one Friday night—and I watched her keep breathing.

If divorce wasn’t an option—if we didn’t have the choice to move on from a terrible abuser or rise above the ashes of insecurity and self-hatred; if we didn’t have the agency to not only make a horrendous choice, but a choice to move forward with strength and choose well, then what kind of life would this be? And how would it ever lead to eternal life?

She is already branded. Stigmatized. Walking around with “young and divorced” as a banner isn’t a light load to lift. And especially within the church and Christianity and our own little social circles she will continue to be…all because “divorce isn’t an option”.

“He has his agency,” I remember telling her one night, staring toward an empty wall. “And he chose.”

And now she has to choose.

I’m inspired by her. Before we said our goodbyes she smiled and she said she knew she’d be okay. And I know she cried after she got in the car. Just like I did. But she moved her feet and kept going. She decided it wasn’t the end. That was her choice.

I learned a lot from her. Divorce is an option.

But so is love. So is strength. So is understanding.

And I’m grateful for that.

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True Love vs Romanticism

2/14/2015

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True Love vs Romanticism

By Richard Reynolds, LCSW

I don't know if you've ever had the pleasure of watching the movie "The Princess Bride", but it is one of my favorite movies. There is nothing better than watching a movie about "True Love." It's a story of how Wesley and Buttercup overcome adversity for the sake of "True Love" in order to be united in a blissful union. In one of my favorite scenes, as Wesley heads off to storm the castle to rescue his beloved Buttercup, Miracle Max and his wife Valerie yell after them, "Have fun storming the castle boys!" She then turns to her husband and asks, "Do you think it will work?" "It would take a miracle," he replies.

Our souls resonate with the theme expressed in the movie. We long to experience what Westley and Buttercup portray. We relentlessly pursue what we don't have in an attempt to obtain what we believe will finally fulfill our desires and make us complete.

Our only problem is that it never works. What we call "true love" is based on a concept called romanticism. Romanticism is based on the dynamic of two individuals longing to be together, but who are separated by life's circumstances. Romanticism can only apply to love outside of marriage, and the ingredients always consist of secrecy and mystery (such as the stolen glances or secret opportunities). Romanticized relationships, therefore, have a premarital or extra-marital association. Poets rarely write of the romantic love of marriage, the care required for children, or the mutuality of love in old age. Romanticized love, by its own definition, is something "beyond" or "out of this world" which cannot be contained in the defined walls of a marriage. The theme never differs; it is always the same song with a different verse. Consider the great romantic plots through the ages, such as Romeo and Juliet, Wuthering Heights, or movies like “The Notebook” or “Pretty Woman.” There are endless examples, all with the same theme of two individuals searching for the fulfillment of love, longing to be together, but whose efforts are tragically foiled by circumstances. Even more telling is what happens at the end of these stories, when they finally manage to come together. They live happily ever after. After what? The curtain falls, the music plays, and the story ends.

At best, relationships based on romanticism are immature and unrealistic. Indeed, they contain intense emotions, but they are not about mature, lasting love. Instead they are based on wanting what I don't have and the sacrifices I'm willing to make to get what I want. They are not based on what's in the best interest of another; they are based on what I believe I need in order to be happy. In the end, this romanticism is incredibly and unequivocally selfish.

While romanticism is based on wanting what you don't have, marriage is based on having what you don't always want. There always comes a point in marital relationships where we are wounded or disappointed by our mate, and it's not until that moment that we have the opportunity to really love another.

Until that moment, love is based on the belief that you can complete me; being with you will result in happiness and fulfillment for me. But after that moment, when hope is crushed and I've abandoned my illusion that you are what I need, then my love (if I'm able to love) becomes something more mature and divine. It’s the opportunity for my love to become less about me and what I want, and more about truly choosing the other person. Love is selfless and will continue to act in the best interest of the other even when it doesn’t immediately benefit me or bring instant gratification. I know the difference between romanticism, making everything about me, and love. Love is compassionate and concerned for others instead.

So if romanticism seeks “true love,” which is nothing more than a selfish desire to have my needs met, I believe the real goal in marriage is to “truly love.” To truly love your spouse requires sacrifice. It requires you to be for them even when it feels they are against you. It requires you to choose them when they don’t deserve it. It requires you to care more about saving the relationship than winning the argument. Above all, it requires selflessness.

One key to gratifying and enduring love is equity. When equity exists a couples chances for sustained and satisfying companionate love are good. Mutually sharing self and possessions, making decisions together, giving and getting emotional support, promoting and caring about each other’s welfare – all of these acts are at the core of a real love relationship.

Truly loving another is the most difficult thing we can do, and it’s completely counter-cultural, but with practice over time it will lead to a more fulfilling relationship than you’ve probably ever known. Truly loving your spouse does not include enabling poor choices or remaining in unsafe situations. By the grace of God we do have the ability to forgive and the ability to "truly love” our spouse. My prayer is for you to experience the true love that comes when you least deserve it.

Activity: Intimacy can grow from pausing to ponder and write our feelings. Spend 20 minutes a day over three days writing your deepest thoughts and feelings about your relationship.

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Triggers...

2/11/2015

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Being Triggered:

If you've ever wondered why someone would attack you verbally, you're asking the basic confusing question of why the world is the way it is.

A very wise man said (and though I've heard it many times before, this time when I heard it on Sunday afternoon, it really hit me):

"An attack is a cry for love."

So if your wife strikes out at you, then, yeah, you know somewhere deep inside herself she's starved for love. And you know that it pretty much has nothing to do with you. It's just that you were the one who triggered her.

And if we attack back, or close down, explain ourselves, explain things, defend ourselves - we miss the opportunity. We miss the opportunity to act with compassion and love in the moment, instead of responding with hurt and offensiveness and taking it all personally, and then either "letting her have it" later, or making excuses for her bad behavior.

Our instincts are to strike out at her - at any one - when we feel threatened, or frightened or offended, or disturbed. When we feel out of control we want to strike out and want to strike back. We want to master the situation. In other words, we're crying out for love, too.

And... she can't hear our cry for love, either. she only feels her own lack of safety and needs to strike out, strike back, get her balance back. So this is what fear does to us. This is what our traumatic histories have left us:

In an endless place of feeling as though the rug is being pulled out from under us, and that love is like a fine mist that just dissipates and disappears and blows away.

If we can learn to hear with new ears, and find love and compassion BEFORE we react with fear and habit, what we get is peace and more love. And in that peace and love... we find that our urge to DO SOMETHING fights with our urge to DO NOTHING!

It's hard to sink into a do-nothing place, because when something's going bad around you, you want to fix it!

We ALL do! We want to "answer back." We want to "straighten things out." We want to MASTER the situation.

So, if you're ever feeling "mowed over" by someone, try this:

1 Take this position: People really want to be loving. They just have learned ways to speak in a loud voice that is very different from the way you learned to speak - in a soft voice.

2 Feeling Messages are the key to this next step:

  Start by saying...."(put person's name here) - I hear you, and I feel triggered."

"It feels like the way I used to feel when people in my life yelled at me."

"I know you are not yelling at me, but it feels like that."

"So, I know it's MY stuff, and yet, I wonder if we're meant to interact this way so we both learn something?"

"I feel I'm hearing a message, though I don't know what to do with it. I'll just try to listen and see what's going on for me...."
  Then, See what she says.
If what she's saying still feels to you like an attack, then...
  Just repeat yourself!
Say exactly what you said in Step 2.

Try "Taking Turns"

If you're worried about her - if you think she's attacking because she's feeling attacked and mightily triggered - you can help the situation tremendously by "taking turns" being triggered.

You can do this by letting her go first if she gets triggered first, and then teaching her by EXAMPLE how to "hang" with YOU when YOU'RE triggered.

Just do your best to stay in your feelings, stay aware of what's going on, and stay away from acting defensively.

If she starts talking, you can say "Tell me more..."

You can even ask "Are you okay?"

You can heal a relationship and a situation by not reacting defensively to whatever she does or says while she's being triggered.

This healing happens if you can do your best to not react with an attack, and yet not ignore it and act like everything's okay when it isn't.

Once you acknowledge that you've been triggered - that you have feelings, and that what's happening doesn't feel good - and asked her what she'd like to do to make things better, you open the door to a great relationship.

2. Apologizing

Sometimes, owning YOUR side of whatever's happened -- if you forgot the "4 Steps" and said or did something she'd consider disrespectful or controlling - apologizing is the most powerful thing you can do!

Try all these things and see what happens!

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The Secret I Wish I Had Known:

1/6/2015

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The Secret I Wish I Had Been Told: Why is Respect Such a Big Deal?

I ask you the question “Would you rather feel alone and unloved in the world or would you rather feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone?” Who would ever choose to feel unloved? A large majority of men will say they would. Respect and affirmation is so important to men that they would rather feel unloved than disrespected or inadequate. Many men have a hard time answering this particular question because they feel the choices are basically the same.

The basic truth here is that if a man doesn’t feel respected he cannot feel loved. Your husband needs to know that he is respected for who he is by you to be able to accept your love. Guys aren’t big on words and they aren’t big on expressing their feelings and this can be really frustrating to women. Showing a lack of respect can be things that you do not intend at all. It can even be gestures that you think are helping. In fact, the “helping” often times is what is the disrespectful part. It often comes across as “I do not feel that you are adequate enough to accomplish the goal” or “you aren’t doing it the right way so I will just do it myself.”

How a guy reacts when he feels disrespected:

Let’s look at how a man handles being disrespected. He is probably going to handle being disrespected by getting angry. He isn’t going to say “You are disrespecting me!” during a conflict. He will just shut down and has a hard time expressing his feelings. You can pretty well assume that a man is feeling disrespected if he is angry. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs has stated that, “In a relationship conflict, crying is often a woman’s response to feeling unloved, and anger is often a man’s response to feeling disrespected.”

Wives and Husbands both have critical needs:

Every woman would like to be loved unconditionally by their man. If a man could learn to pour out a little more love when their wife was particularly unlovable he could take care of a lot of his wife’s emotional needs.

A man on the other hand needs his wife to give him unconditional respect. Unconditional respect means that you are able to accept a man for who he is and keep that separate from what he does. That is a pretty hard-to-understand definition. A wife can show her husband unconditional respect in three ways: believing in him, liking him, and trusting him. If a man’s wife gives him confidence in those three things he will serve his wife with his all.

Biblical Admonition to Husbands and Wives:

The Bible is pretty clear in Ephesians 5 when love and respect is explained: A husband is told to love his wife and a wife is told to respect her husband. The passage does not mix the two roles to say that the husband should respect his wife or the wife should love her husband.

It is important to understand that the husband feels respected by feeling that his wife chooses to trust and honor him. He will put out his best effort to meet his wife’s needs above his own when he feels this.

Your Respect Matters to Him:

Respect is a choice. A wife chooses whether or not to demonstrate respect to her husband. Likewise, men can choose to demonstrate love toward his wife. Respect is something a man needs to feel. This is very much how a woman feels when she doesn’t hear her husband tell her he loves her. It is not that a wife doesn’t respect her husband or that he doesn’t love his wife as much as they need to be able to feel it.

Now would be a good time for you to consider how you are doing with God’s design for your role as a wife or husband. It is very easy for a wife to take control of the home and family, but are you following God’s design or have you made him and your husband very small? Have you left your wife to handle everything alone? Do you forget to tell her how much you appreciate her? Respect and Love are a choice. How are you doing?

The biggest mistake is that we forget the UNCONDITIONAL part of love and respect and place parameters around our spouse having to be or act a certain way to merit our giving. This is an erroneous belief because when we were bound in marriage, we already promised UNCONDITONAL love and respect.

This is not about our spouse’s worthiness.

Unconditional means NO CONDITION can arise that stops you from dealing with the situation in a loving or respectful manner. We might say your love or respect is UN-situational or UN-circumstantial. No situation, circumstance or condition in your marriage can CAUSE you to react in hostility or contempt.

         No matter the conditions, show love and respect to your spouse.

         No matter the conditions, you have the freedom to choose a loving and respectful demeanor.

         No matter the conditions, your spouse cannot stop you from loving and respecting.

In a strange way, this becomes incredibly freeing! My response is my responsibility…and not dependent on my spouse’s behavior.

Are you showing unconditional love and respect towards your spouse?

Do not say: “He/She doesn’t deserve my respect.” Or “He/She hasn’t earned my respect.”

Unconditional love and Unconditional respect are not earned or deserved within a marriage, they simply are.

**This is the place where I probably made the biggest mistake in my own relationship. Although I loved my husband unconditionally, I did not always respect him unconditionally. I did not understand this concept of unconditional love AND unconditional respect. I cannot go back in time and change things, but I can express how sorry I am for not showing respect to the one person I promised to always love and respect. What I can do is take what I have learned into a new relationship someday and do it right this time.

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Love...

12/29/2014

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What is Love?

Love is too often linked to emotion, not to action. When we ask ourselves whether we are still in love, we end up wondering if we still have the emotional connection to the other person. Unfortunately, even the action of questioning leads to more doubt, not less. When we raise the question, we begin to ponder the question. When we ponder the question, we can often create the answer we want.

So, instead of asking whether we love our spouse, it is much more useful to begin treating our spouse as if we do love him or her. As we treat someone “as if”, we often find the emotions that once felt lacking, to be returning. The question needs to shift from “do I still love (emotion) him/her?” to “how do I love (action) him/her?”

The simple task of asking this question shifts our perspective. When our perspective shifts, the relationship shifts. The art of improving a relationship is usually a shift in perspective. Rarely do people “work” themselves to a better place. Instead, we shift there.

Ask the question, “What can I do to show my love?” And here is the difficult part: we rarely have the best way of showing the other our love. Our actions usually come from an understanding of what lets us know that we are loved. And here, the specifics run up against the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as we would have them do unto us.” For this point, it may be rephrased: “Show love to others as THEY wish to have love shown.”

We all have different ways of feeling loved and feeling accepted. The problem is that we usually assume the way we feel love is also the case for others. There are many, many ways to show and be shown love.

Some find love in words, others in touch, others in deeds, and still others in gifts. Within those broad means, there are many specifics. Our task, as lovers, is to discover how the other yearns to be loved. This is the learning task of any successful relationship. Discover that and you discover the deepest yearnings of a spouse.

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