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Practice the Process...

2/21/2015

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Practice  
by John Lightner

When we endeavor to heal from any major crisis or trauma, the power is most definitely in the process of that journey. This week we will dissect three differing approaches we tend to utilize in our efforts.

Identify which character you MOST relate to. You may even notice all three tendencies in you or your spouse. Remember, if we can’t take ownership and accept where we are, we’ll never get where we want to go.

Am I inept at having a healthy relationship?  Not at all, but my own defects of character certainly sabotaged my efforts. Mastery of anything, whether it’s a musical instrument, an athletic sport, a professional skill or a relationship takes time, patience and a willingness to stick to our goal even when the rewards don’t seem to come. Learning anything takes ongoing effort and practice even when you’re on a plateau where it seems nothing is happening.

In George Leonard’s book “Mastery: The Keys to Success and Long-Term Fulfillment” he suggests the reason we tend to fail is our resistance to continuing on when our efforts don’t produce the immediate results we desire. We fail to recognize that mastery isn’t getting it right or having finally arrived, rather mastery is about the process or the journey. It’s about a willingness to get on the path and stick with it, even when it feels as if no progress is being made. In a culture of quick fixes and immediate gratification, the process of mastery is counter to what we’ve been taught to expect. Quick fixes and immediate gratification actually prevent us from developing the necessary skills for a solid relationship and threaten the stability of our families.

I spent far more time trying to master my guitar than I ever did trying to master my relationship with Stephanie. It was normal for me to spend at least an hour a day practicing scales and learning new music. Had I spent as much time developing relational skills, I can only imagine the profound impact it would’ve had on my marriage. What would’ve happened if Stephanie and I spent an hour a day practicing heartfelt listening or learning how to communicate concern and compassion during difficult conversations? What if we practiced the skill of communicating respect as we spoke with one another? Instead we assumed things would just work out and falsely believed that if they didn’t it was a failure on my mate’s part, not mine. I had yet to learn that my mate is never my problem; my mate only reveals the problem in me.

Leonard points out that growth is not a simple linear progression. As we try to master anything such as the guitar, a sport, or recovery from infidelity there are always plateaus where it seems no progress is being made. Learning occurs in stages and time is required for new knowledge to be integrated into our belief system. We’d love to be able to snap our fingers and have our spouse instantly get it, but it just doesn’t work that way. It’s not until we’ve practiced each new skill for months before it begins to feel natural. For mastery you have to continue intentionally practicing that new skill, working at perfecting your style, if you ever want to master it. If ground is to be gained, you must view the plateaus, not as a sign that you’re stuck, but as a necessary step to long-term change and integration. For mastery you have to practice diligently, but you practice primarily for the sake of the practice rather than getting frustrated while on a plateau. Leonard identifies three characters whom struggle with the road to mastery: the dabbler, the obsessive, and the hacker, who go through life and in our case here, recovery, their own way rather than choosing a course of mastery. See if you identify with any of these characters.

“The Dabbler” approaches each new sport, career, or relationship with enthusiasm and loves the first stage of starting something new. When they see spurts of progress or reward they are thrilled and can’t wait to show friends and family what they’ve accomplished. They’re the ones who can’t wait for the next lesson to continue their progress. The fall from that initial peak of growth shocks and disorients them. The plateaus of growth are unacceptable. For the dabbler, if you are not being rewarded by continued progress your enthusiasm will wane and boredom will set in. The dabbler specializes in the honeymoon stage and loves the feelings generated as they share their life story and the ensuing validation from their partner. When the excitement generated by first experiences begins to cool they begin looking around for something else. They are like an eternal kid, always looking for the next adventure or novelty, but though partners change they still remain the same.

“The Obsessive” is a bottom-line type of person who refuses to be second best. What’s important are quick results, and they’re constantly looking for the validation of how well they’ve done. In the beginning they are always reading books and attending seminars trying to achieve perfection at record pace. When the obsessive hits the inevitable plateau they simply redouble their efforts and may even be tempted to take shortcuts to get the desired results. Unlike the dabbler, when the passion in their marriage begins to cool they don’t look elsewhere, rather they try to maintain the passion at whatever the cost: extravagant gifts, romantic rendezvous, or erotic escalation. They see little reason for the plateau, and so the relationship swings back and forth between ecstasy and tragedy. The inevitable breakup results in a great deal of pain for both parties but does little in the way of learning and personal growth. When the obsessive is unable to maintain continual forward progress, the ensuing failure leaves them as well as their families hurt and ashamed that their efforts couldn’t save the relationship.

“The Hacker” has a different perspective. This person doesn’t mind the plateau; in fact they’re willing to stay on the plateau indefinitely. They lack the necessary drive to achieve mastery through long term dedication. They don’t mind skipping the necessary steps for mastery. Their interest lies in hanging out with other hackers. “Good enough” is their motto. They are the teachers and professionals who don’t bother with professional meetings because they’re just interested in getting by. At work they do the minimum requirements, always leaving on time and taking all of their breaks and they’re confused as to why they don’t get promoted. In marriage they tend to be content with living as roommates. They are willing to settle for static monogamy, an arrangement in which both partners have clearly defined and unchanging roles, and in which marriage is primarily an economic and domestic institution. While that may serve as an ideal situation in their mind, rarely do they marry someone who’s satisfied with that arrangement.

Lifelong commitments are never truly mastered in a lifetime. It’s not a matter of how well we’re doing, it’s a matter of how well we’re working at what we’re doing. The dabbler, the obsessive and the hacker have to learn life isn’t about getting it right. The real goal is to stay focused on doing it right and to commit to continually practice the process of relating to one another. The dabblers, along with the obsessives, need realistic expectations. Life isn’t about a continual series of peaks; there are always valleys and plateaus on the journey. In fact, there would be no peak without the valley. Mastery in marriage is about continuing to intentionally do the work even when it seems nothing is changing. Refusing to accept mediocrity is essential for the hacker. A great relationship is an outcome, not a goal. To develop a great relationship you have to practice the process. It’s about practicing the behavior of respect, communicating concern, and developing empathy for each other.

Of course one person rarely fits any one stereotype perfectly, and it’s possible to exhibit characteristics of all three. However for the sake of personal growth these categories can help you identify what may stand in the way on your path to personal or marital recovery.  Hopefully, your goal is to figure out how to move down your own path with new momentum and new resolve for the process of healing. 

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Victim Mentality

2/15/2015

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Why Is the Passive Aggressive always the Victim?

The passive aggressive feels they are treated unfairly. The passive aggressive is always the victim of your unreasonable expectations, an over-bearing boss or that slow clerk at the convenience store.

Why Does the Passive Aggressive Play the Victim Role?

I find human behavior fascinating. Not only human behavior but the reasons behind the behavior. There is a pay-off for all of us when it comes to the way we conduct our self in life. If we weren’t getting something out of it, we wouldn’t be doing it. Simple huh? Simple until you become involved with a passive aggressive!

What is the pay-off for the passive aggressive who plays the victim? It is a ploy they use to turn the tables and make them appear to be the injured party. The passive aggressive knows something about the person they are intimately involved with. They know that most people involved with passive aggressives are empathetic, most are co-dependent and most don’t like the idea of others suffering…in other words they are very easily manipulated. That is the pay-off, being in a relationship that enables them to have the upper hand.

In What Ways Does Playing the Victim Pay-Off?

•   If you are the “victim,” you don’t have to take responsibility for any problems in the relationship.

•   If you are the “victim,” you don’t have to take responsibility for any bad behaviors.

A glaring example of the ploy used in his need to be the victim is how he dismisses people and then acts as if he is the injured party. For example, he refused their request for him to spend more time with them. In his skewed perception of reality, it was his wife’s place to maintain a relationship with him by engaging in activities he was interested in, and if she didn’t comply, he was the victim of her perceived neglect.

It did not occur to him that his refusal to allocate time for her, listen to her or show any interest in her life plainly showed him to be the victimizer, not the victim. His only concern was building his career and having an excuse for not including her in his life. What better excuse than being the victim of your wife’s abandonment? His new circle of family and friends don’t know his wife, don’t know the issues surrounding his desire for a divorce and you can bet, being passive aggressive means he once again surrounded himself with people who didn’t like to see others suffer.

His friends and new family see him, as the long-suffering man who “wishes” his relationship with his family could be different. He tells them that he will always be there for his children if they ever seek him out for a relationship. Just imagine the out-pouring of sympathy he gets? It keeps him from having to accept responsibility for his behavior toward his wife and helps him hold onto the wounded, good guy image that is important to many passive aggressives.

How do You Keep From Becoming the Victim of a Victimizer?

Get rid of self-doubt. If you are in a relationship with a passive aggressive the manipulation is meant to cause you to doubt what you do, what you hear, what you see and what you experience. If you give into the manipulative ploys of the passive aggressive, you will soon not know which end is up. Somewhere inside is the nagging voice that something isn’t right. Do not ignore that voice!

•   Don’t make excuses for bad behavior.

•   Don’t feel guilt if your passive aggressive doesn’t like the boundaries you’ve set.

•   Don’t allow anyone to disregard your emotional needs or doubt that you have a right your needs be met.

•   Don’t accept a refusal to communicate about marital problems.

•   Don’t settle for less than you want from your spouse.

* Don’t make yourself responsible for his/her hurtful words and actions.

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Covert...

2/14/2015

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What do Passive Aggressive behavior and domestic abuse have in common? When someone hits you or yells at you, you know that you've been abused. It is obvious and easily identified. Covert abuse is subtle and veiled or disguised by actions that appear to be normal, at times loving and caring. The passive aggressive person is a master at covert abuse and, as a result can be considered an abuser.

Passive aggressive behavior stems from an inability to express anger in a healthy way. A person's feelings may be so repressed that they don't even realize they are angry or feeling resentment. A passive aggressive can drive people around him/her crazy and seem sincerely dismayed when confronted with their behavior. Due to their own lack of insight into their feelings the passive aggressive often feels that others misunderstand them or, are holding them to unreasonable standards if they are confronted about their behavior.

Common Passive Aggressive Behaviors:

•   Ambiguity: I think of the proverb, "Actions speak louder than words" when it comes to the passive aggressive and how ambiguous they can be. They rarely mean what they say or say what they mean. The best judge of how a passive aggressive feels about an issue is how they act. Normally they don't act until after they've caused some kind of stress by their ambiguous way of communicating.

•   Forgetfulness: The passive aggressive avoids responsibility by "forgetting." How convenient is that? There is no easier way to punish someone than forgetting that lunch date or your birthday or, better yet, an anniversary.

Blaming: They are never responsible for their actions. If you aren't to blame then it is something that happened at work, the traffic on the way home or the slow clerk at the convenience store. The passive aggressive has no faults, it is everyone around him/her who has faults and they must be punished for those faults.

•   Lack of Anger: He/she may never express anger. There are some who are happy with whatever you want. On the outside anyway! The passive aggressive person may have been taught, as a child, that anger is unacceptable. Hence they go through life stuffing their anger, being accommodating and then sticking it to you in an under-handed way.

•   Fear of Dependency: From Scott Wetlzer, author of Living With The Passive Aggressive Man. "Unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying to control you. He wants you to think he doesn't depend on you, but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships can become battle grounds, where he can only claim victory if he denies his need for your support."

Fear of Intimacy: The passive aggressive often can't trust. Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone. A passive aggressive will have sex with you but they rarely make love to you. If they feel themselves becoming attached, they may punish you by withholding sex.

Obstructionism: Do you want something from your passive aggressive spouse? If so, get ready to wait for it or maybe even never get it. It is important to him/her that you don’t get your way. He/she will act as if giving you what you want is important to them but, rarely will he/she follow through with giving it. It is very confusing to have someone appear to want to give to you but never follow through. You can begin to feel as if you are asking too much which is exactly what he/she wants to you to feel.

•   Victimization: The passive aggressive feels they are treated unfairly. If you get upset because he or she is constantly late, they take offense because; in their mind, it was someone else's fault that they were late. He/she is always the innocent victim of your unreasonable expectations, an over-bearing boss or that slow clerk at the convenience store.

•   Procrastination: The passive aggressive person believes that deadlines are for everyone but them. They do things on their own time schedule and be damned anyone who expects differently from them.

The Passive Aggressive and You:

The passive aggressive needs to have a relationship with someone who can be the object of his or her hostility. They need someone whose expectations and demands he/she can resist. A passive aggressive is usually attracted to co-dependents, people with low self-esteem and those who find it easy to make excuses for other's bad behaviors.

The biggest frustration in being with a passive aggressive is that they never follow through on agreements and promises. He/she will dodge responsibility for anything in the relationship while at the same time making it look as if he/she is pulling his/her own weight and is a very loving partner. The sad thing is, you can be made to believe that you are loved and adored by a person who is completely unable to form an emotional connection with anyone.

The passive aggressive ignores problems in the relationship, sees things through their own skewed sense of reality and if forced to deal with the problems will completely withdraw from the relationship and you. They will deny evidence of wrong doing, distort what you know to be real to fit their own agenda, minimize or lie so that their version of what is real seems more logical. 

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P.A. and Anger...

2/12/2015

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Anger and the Passive Aggressive.

 I’m about to fill you in on a little secret. Anger plays a role in passive aggressive behavior. Yep, that passive aggressive spouse that is driving you insane is angry as hell and full of grief. The passive aggressive deals with anger in one of two ways. Either they have no control over their anger or they have problems expressing their anger.

Anger Out Of Control:

How we handle our anger comes from lessons learned during childhood through our family of origin. Below is an example of an early childhood experience that will produce an adult who expresses their anger passive aggressively.


The little girl who grows up in a family with an alcoholic parent learns that the only way to get her needs met is to throw a tantrum. Mom or Dad is too invested in their addiction to put the little girl's needs first. She grows into a woman who caries the belief that if she wants something out of a relationship the only way to get it is to act in an aggressive manner.

Unexpressed Anger:

Some children learn through their family of origin to become so passive that they allow others to walk all over them. They bend over backwards to please their spouse, keeping their own desires a secret and internalizing any anger they feel. Below are examples of early childhood experiences that produce adults who don’t know how to express anger.

•   The little boy whose mother never shows love or affection. His mother is so emotionally closed off that not only does she not show love and affection, she doesn’t allow any expressions of anger. She avoids both the pleasant and unpleasant aspects of being a mother and raises a boy who becomes a man who is also emotionally closed off.


•   The little girl whose father is too busy or too afraid to show her love and caring. Her father works long hours. When he is home, he sits in front of the computer or television. When the little girl seeks his attention, she is scolded and learns that asking for what she needs means being reprimanded. She learns that getting her father’s attention means being a good little girl. She grows into an adult who is angry over her needs not being met but too afraid to express that anger.

Adults who have no control over their anger and those who have no idea how to express their anger are grieving. They are grieving the loss of something that was rightfully theirs; their right to entertain themselves regardless of societies or their parent’s beliefs of what was right or wrong. The right to be heard and cared for regardless of how addicted a parent was to alcohol or drugs. They are grieving the right to express love or negative feelings or a desire for parental attention without fear of punishment.

It is about loss, the loss of normal things any child should expect from a parent. Instead of grieving that loss in a normal way, they internalize it and compensate by being overly aggressive or overly passive. The grief shows itself in behaviors that are destructive to themselves and anyone who engages in a relationship with them.

A man who abuses his wife is often motivated by feelings of loss and grief. Feelings are expressed through rage. Women who emotionally manipulate their husband by withholding affection are motivated by the same feelings of loss and grief.

The aggression or passivity hides their fear of rejection and helplessness when it comes to getting what they need from their spouse. The spouse is left reeling and wondering what he/she did to deserve a slap across the face or the withholding of normal loving affection.

The spouse feels responsible in some way. That is the sneaky thing about living with a passive aggressive individual. They don’t know how to properly express anger but they are geniuses when it comes to shifting the blame and projecting their own bad behavior off onto their spouse.

Next time you are trying to make sense of some nonsensical behavior by your spouse remember you are dealing with a wounded, damaged child. Don’t make excuses for him/her. Don’t take responsibility for their inability to properly express their grief and anger. Understanding why someone acts the way they do does not mean excusing their hurtful actions.

Knowledge is power. Learning what is behind the actions of your spouse will enable you to make an informed decision about how to interact in the future.

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    Author

    Now into my 50's I have things to share, insights to give, and advice that  might help you avoid the pitfalls I have already found.  Some posts are articles that have been helpful to me and others are my own thoughts and feelings on a particular topic.  May your life be full of happiness!

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