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How to let Love in

7/29/2015

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how to let love in.

There are many, many guides for loving someone else: how to love this kind of guy, that kind of girl, a guy who ____, a girl who ____.

But what about ourselves, the ones doing all the loving?

Once we’ve learnt how to love someone the most perfect way we can, and they love us back, are we ready and able to receive that love? To let ourselves be loved by them?

Actually, even I don’t think I really know if I have all the answers to this. My own dear heart has splintered enough times that parts of it are still being held up by Band-Aids. Then, it becomes almost easy to forget how to let ourselves be loved.

Sometimes the love we let in turns toxic; sometimes it burns; sometimes it just ups and leaves, a giant gaping hole in its wake. We become wary about letting any of it come near us again.

But there have been times where I have been loved, and where I loved back fully, my heart stretched so wide open it was almost smiling. Those days or weeks or however-long-it-was held some secret truth in them, an elixir we should bottle up and use again for when our hearts need mending.

So I’ll reach back to those old days and try, just for a moment, to reclaim a few of those secrets for letting ourselves be loved.

1. First, know that we are worthy

A cliché, but a true one. I think much of allowing love back into our lives is to know and believe that we are deserving of that love in the first place. Know that even if our hearts are a little mushed up, pockmarked in places, bent out of shape, they are uniquely ours and beautiful and strong in their own ways.

No matter how much muck we’ve had to wade through, that heart—you, me—started out in exactly same place of newness and clarity and goodness, as every other being on this planet. By that spark of good that resides in every single one of us alone (and I believe it absolutely does, no matter how many mistakes we have made so far), why shouldn’t you or I or any one of us be as deserving of love as the next person?

2. Let ourselves be loved by ourselves

I know how frightening it can be to rip those Band-Aids off of our heart and open its doors again—we never quite know what will come flooding through, whether it will hug us with the love we hope for or flatten us in sadness.

So how’s this: how about letting in a “safe” love first? How about opening our hearts to ourselves?

Wrap yourself up in the love you would give to another delicate, dear being. Care, nurture, nourish, feed, indulge now and then. See all the prettiest parts of yourself and feel proud, like you would if you were looking upon your own child. Remember the splendid, you-est parts of you that wouldn’t be found in anyone else and celebrate them.

If this is still too hard, we can start by just being gentle and kind with ourselves; allowing ourselves to be wherever we are in each moment. Breathe. Move. Smile. Cry. Dance. Write. Sleep.

Do whatever it is that makes your heart sing and helps you be the you-est, most unique, most brilliant you; this is all part of nourishing and caring… and eventually, falling in love with yourself.

3. Know that we are already loved

I think many of us know this, but perhaps don’t really realize or live it on a daily basis: That “love” or “being loved” isn’t just about the love of a romantic partner.

There is already so much love in our lives, which count for more than we probably really realize every morning as we wake up and stumble through our days: the immeasurable love from our families, the friends who may as well be family, our animals, nature itself as it leans in (through food, weather, the ground, the plants in our gardens) to nourish our bodies and minds and spirits.  And most of all, the love we constantly, continually have from our Heavenly Father.

We can let our hearts “practice” at letting love in through all the love that’s already filling our pores and bathing our skins. With each phone call from a friend, a hug from a parent or a wet, slobbery kiss from an excitable Great Dane, let your heart swell a bit more and nudge away a Band-Aid.

The more love we let in—from what is already around us—the more pliable and elastic our hearts get; the more able it is to stretch in the direction of opening and welcoming more in.

4. Know that there is (already) plenty of romance

It’s true, you know. There really are plenty of opportunities for romance every day, whether we’re single, or looking, or attached, or whatever—“it’s-complicated”—status we’re in.

There is romance and delight in the everyday—we just have to notice it. More importantly, we can create it for ourselves in so many of the interactions we have, or the things we do.

Write letters by hand, go for a picnic with an old friend under a favorite old tree, bake something special for someone who helped you recently, buy flowers for yourself, go for barefoot walks and stop to look at birds, sit in the moonlight alone, eat doughnuts messily and get sugar all over your face.

This is also about nourishing ourselves. It is about acknowledging that we’re deserving of romance, joyful delicate things, love and celebration, whatever our “marital status” and whatever we’re doing.

It is about leaning in to ourselves, listening out for what makes us light up and giving that to ourselves. And when we light up, others notice. They’ll want in on it too—to love this light, to love whatever it is that’s bringing us alive, to love us too.

5. Open up the space for more love

To really let ourselves be loved is a careful process. It’s dipping one toe in the water, then a foot, then a leg before daring to dive in completely. It’s about getting comfortable with the idea of being loved in the first place, putting our hands out to feel our way around it.

But here’s the trick: we can “practice” letting ourselves be loved, through any of the four points above. This is getting our feet wet.

As we practice and become more comfortable with what it means to be loved, nourished, cared for, celebrated, we’re acknowledging to ourselves and others that there is love in our lives; that we are worthy of love; that we are grateful for love; that we enjoy being loved.

Like attracts like. So as we recognize and feel the love we already have, our hearts flex and stretch and strengthen their walls, trying it all on for size. Our hearts dare to throw off their bandages, open their cracks a little wider to let more in. We open up more space for more love.

The best part? We’ll be ready when more of that plump, juicy, heart-thumping love does come.

But even if it doesn’t, we’ll already be filled up, we’ll already be loving and we’ll already have learnt how to let ourselves be loved.

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I loved...

7/25/2015

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I loved him for his touch

For those eyes that shied away so easily. For those lips that told me I deserved more.

Maybe it was the way he closed his eyes when he played Bob Dylan songs.

Possibly it was those times when he called me sexy and pulled me back into his arms.

I loved him for all the times we laid on the bed, on sand, and on everything in between. I loved him for the way he smelled of old spice and musky-maleness.

I loved him just because.

I can’t explain it any other way.

He left.

He left when I could have used the most love. It took the deepest pain, mixed with his absence, to realize I do not need to love him, to fill my heart any longer.

I fill my heart.

I love me for how I stroke my own hair. For my hazel green eyes that gaze back at me in the mirror. For my slightly pink lips and the smile they produce. For the fact that I can’t get through a Bond movie without wanting to be Bond, not the Bond girl. Or maybe it’s the jokes I make in my head that no one will ever hear.

Maybe it is how I close my eyes when I listen to Bob Dylan songs.

Possibly it is those times when I fall onto my bed after a difficult day, feeling strong.

I love me for the times I’ve sat alone on beds, beaches, and tree branches. I love me for the way people smile at me.

And when asked, I always have a colorful answer.

I love me just because in the end, I am all I have. The best part is that there is no worst part.

Somewhere along the way I’ve taken back my heart without forgetting the times I loved.

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What I am looking for in a Guy...

7/4/2015

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Finding a good man, x-ray vision not required.

I want a man who makes me feel like the most amazing woman alive. He treats me with the care and respect I deserve; he loves our children in a way that melts my heart—and every single day I can thank God that I married this man.

So what am I looking for in a guy? These 10 things:

1. Humor. Life has ups and downs, and dramas and supporting characters that we sometimes wish would vanish. So my guy should make me laugh.

2. Intelligence.  Does my guy have to have an I.Q. better than Einstein’s? No, but he definitely needs to be able to relate to me on a mental level—and he should bring out my own curiosity and intellect too.



3. Physical fitness. My guy doesn’t have to leap tall buildings in a single bound—but if he takes care of himself physically, it’s a sign of self-respect.

4. Patience. Being in a relationship with me probably isn’t easy. I’m neurotic and hyperactive—and impatient. So I would be eternally grateful if I married a guy with the patience of a superhero. Trust me, if he has patience with me and my quirky qualities, it makes life that much easier.

5. Loving feeling. My husband needs to love me; truly love who I am inside and out. I want someone who really likes being with me.

6. Soulful. My guy needs to be spiritual. Being with someone with a spiritual nature is enriching to your life—and to the relationship you share.  To love God first is the best way to be.

7. Commitment Lover.  My ideal partner should show a level of commitment in other areas of his life besides me.

8. Good taste.  Clothes and jewelry that are hand-picked by my husband not only show good taste, but that he cares. I don’t think that this has to be a requirement of a successful relationship—but it sure doesn’t hurt either.

9. Compliments. My perfect mate should spend more time highlighting what’s great about me than harping on my lesser traits; not because he’s blind to my reality, but because he loves me for who I am and knows that we live up to the standards that are set for us. In short, we grow to be our best selves in a nurturing, positive environment.

10. He doesn’t take your crap. Okay, so I do mean the above statement in number nine. However, that doesn’t mean my guy should turn his head if I treat him poorly, try to control him, or act in a way that’s beneath me. He should encourage—and if necessary demand—that I rise and shine to the occasion; that I be my best self.

Life is challenging, and a great partner should make my life easier not harder.

Finding a good guy is possible.

I won’t give up the quest!

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    Now into my 50's I have things to share, insights to give, and advice that  might help you avoid the pitfalls I have already found.  Some posts are articles that have been helpful to me and others are my own thoughts and feelings on a particular topic.  May your life be full of happiness!

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