When the Emotions are Missing:
Sometimes, the emotions just seem to have escaped you. You may feel completely incapable of feeling love, passion, or any other emotion toward your spouse. You may have transferred these feelings to someone else.
I have good news for you! There are some specific things you can do to get back in touch with those missing emotions. However, the first thing you must do is to commit to sticking in there. Eliminate the third party if there is one! Asking the question of whether you still love someone completely misses the action part of being loving. But more dangerously, asking that question continues the loss of emotion. You can become so focused on the lack of feelings that you miss the opportunities to rediscover the feelings.
Move toward the feelings:
1. Remember that at their essence, feelings and emotions are cyclical, somewhat like the tide. They move in and move out. And there are some extremely high tides and low tides. But, sure as the pull of gravity, low tide moves to high tide, and vice versa. So, when feelings are low, instead of getting concerned and bailing out, choose to wait. Soon, the feelings will move in a more positive direction. Don’t get too caught up in wondering why this is the case. Just accept that it is the case, and move forward. Sometimes, a change of emotion is as simple as waiting for the emotions to change on their own.
2. Choose to be playful. When people begin to feel less loving and warm toward their spouse, their first reaction is to retract, get serious, and work hard to change the feeling. This ends up being particularly counterproductive. Few relationships rediscover the passion by working harder. Usually, the working harder is what caused some of the loss of passion in the first place. So try to find some activities that might be lighter. Take up a new hobby together. Go for walks, hikes, camping, trips, etc. together. Perhaps you can think of the things that used to make you laugh together – take that skinny dip in the pool, sneak away for a dessert together, whatever it was. Remember it and do it again.
3. Remind yourselves of how the relationship started. When you seem to have lost warmth toward each other, think back on how your relationship started. This story you share tends to drive criticism away and you look at each other with loving eyes. The room is transformed from one of coldness and distance to warmth. Is this connection fleeting? Often, it is. But it reconnects the couple to a feeling they have forgotten how to have. Sometimes, they just need to be reminded that the feelings are still there, even though they are buried.
4. We create some of our reality. We unknowingly have a great deal of control over our perception of reality and situations. The secret is known as “Acting as if…” Here is how it works: imagine what you would be doing if you felt differently, and act as if that feeling is there. If you were feeling loving toward your spouse, what would you be doing? How would you be looking at him/her, acting toward him/her, responding to him/her? Do those things. The amazing thing about this technique is that it works. Your task is to discover the many ways you can “act as if…” in your relationship. Your relationship will be transformed because you have discovered a method of transforming your feelings toward the relationship. Use your power!
Sometimes, the emotions just seem to have escaped you. You may feel completely incapable of feeling love, passion, or any other emotion toward your spouse. You may have transferred these feelings to someone else.
I have good news for you! There are some specific things you can do to get back in touch with those missing emotions. However, the first thing you must do is to commit to sticking in there. Eliminate the third party if there is one! Asking the question of whether you still love someone completely misses the action part of being loving. But more dangerously, asking that question continues the loss of emotion. You can become so focused on the lack of feelings that you miss the opportunities to rediscover the feelings.
Move toward the feelings:
1. Remember that at their essence, feelings and emotions are cyclical, somewhat like the tide. They move in and move out. And there are some extremely high tides and low tides. But, sure as the pull of gravity, low tide moves to high tide, and vice versa. So, when feelings are low, instead of getting concerned and bailing out, choose to wait. Soon, the feelings will move in a more positive direction. Don’t get too caught up in wondering why this is the case. Just accept that it is the case, and move forward. Sometimes, a change of emotion is as simple as waiting for the emotions to change on their own.
2. Choose to be playful. When people begin to feel less loving and warm toward their spouse, their first reaction is to retract, get serious, and work hard to change the feeling. This ends up being particularly counterproductive. Few relationships rediscover the passion by working harder. Usually, the working harder is what caused some of the loss of passion in the first place. So try to find some activities that might be lighter. Take up a new hobby together. Go for walks, hikes, camping, trips, etc. together. Perhaps you can think of the things that used to make you laugh together – take that skinny dip in the pool, sneak away for a dessert together, whatever it was. Remember it and do it again.
3. Remind yourselves of how the relationship started. When you seem to have lost warmth toward each other, think back on how your relationship started. This story you share tends to drive criticism away and you look at each other with loving eyes. The room is transformed from one of coldness and distance to warmth. Is this connection fleeting? Often, it is. But it reconnects the couple to a feeling they have forgotten how to have. Sometimes, they just need to be reminded that the feelings are still there, even though they are buried.
4. We create some of our reality. We unknowingly have a great deal of control over our perception of reality and situations. The secret is known as “Acting as if…” Here is how it works: imagine what you would be doing if you felt differently, and act as if that feeling is there. If you were feeling loving toward your spouse, what would you be doing? How would you be looking at him/her, acting toward him/her, responding to him/her? Do those things. The amazing thing about this technique is that it works. Your task is to discover the many ways you can “act as if…” in your relationship. Your relationship will be transformed because you have discovered a method of transforming your feelings toward the relationship. Use your power!
