Ambiguity
Dictionary.com defines ambiguous as, “lack of information regarding feelings or intentions. If your spouse’s behaviors are ambiguous, you are constantly receiving mixed messages. More than likely you spend a great amount of time trying to figure out what was meant by certain words or actions.
Ambiguity is often a trait you will find in a passive aggressive person. The passive aggressive does harm by consistently failing to honestly express what they are feeling and thinking. It is impossible to work through conflicts with someone who sends unclear and insufficient information.
Being in a relationship with someone who either can’t or won’t open up and be honest about how they are feeling or what they think will leave you anxiously wondering what your spouse’s intentions are. You end up either doubting yourself or questioning your spouse’s commitment to the relationship. Below are a few examples of ambiguous behaviors.
• John is a very affectionate husband. He holds Jane’s hand and cuddles with her on the couch. Get John in the bedroom though it is hands off. He is all over Jane in the kitchen but doesn’t seem to even realize she is sharing the same bed with him. John is sending Jane ambiguous, mixed messages. Jane begins to feel paranoid. Why does he not want sex with me? Is he having sex with another woman? More than likely John is faithful to his marriage but having conflicting feelings toward his wife. He can’t come out and express his negative feelings honestly so he expresses them by rejecting her sexually. Instead of opening up about his negative feelings and finding a solution that will strengthen the relationship, John is subconsciously choosing to deal with his negative emotions by punishing Jane. Not only are his negative feelings damaging the relationship but the way he deals with those feelings does further damage.
• June is upset with Jake over an unkind remark he made to her. June tells Jake that her feelings were hurt when he told her the house was not tidy enough and she spent her days wasting time. Jake reacts to June by saying, “fine” and walking away. June is left to wonder what “fine” means. Does it mean Jake will no longer make unkind remarks? Does it mean that Jake could care less whether her feelings were hurt or not? June has no way of knowing whether she was heard by Jake or whether or not her feelings are important to Jake. June will naturally begin to make assumptions about Jakes feelings for her and you can bet that those assumptions will be negative.
Jill and Joe have been talking about buying a new car for several months. Joe wants to buy Jill a car and Jill has a definite opinion about what car she wants. One day Joe comes home with a new car. Not the car Jill wanted but a car Joe felt was more appropriate. Joe was willing to discuss what kind of car they would buy but when it came to making the final decision, he shut Jill out. He has sent Jill the message that although she can have an opinion, in the end those opinions weren’t of any value to Joe.
The one thing common in all three examples is the devaluation of feelings by a spouse. A spouse whose behaviors are ambiguous not only devalues their own feelings they devalue those of their spouse. When a spouse begins to feel his/her thoughts or opinions are of no value they begin to withdraw from the relationship. They are, after all in a relationship with someone who doesn’t seem to care so why should they care.
Dictionary.com defines ambiguous as, “lack of information regarding feelings or intentions. If your spouse’s behaviors are ambiguous, you are constantly receiving mixed messages. More than likely you spend a great amount of time trying to figure out what was meant by certain words or actions.
Ambiguity is often a trait you will find in a passive aggressive person. The passive aggressive does harm by consistently failing to honestly express what they are feeling and thinking. It is impossible to work through conflicts with someone who sends unclear and insufficient information.
Being in a relationship with someone who either can’t or won’t open up and be honest about how they are feeling or what they think will leave you anxiously wondering what your spouse’s intentions are. You end up either doubting yourself or questioning your spouse’s commitment to the relationship. Below are a few examples of ambiguous behaviors.
• John is a very affectionate husband. He holds Jane’s hand and cuddles with her on the couch. Get John in the bedroom though it is hands off. He is all over Jane in the kitchen but doesn’t seem to even realize she is sharing the same bed with him. John is sending Jane ambiguous, mixed messages. Jane begins to feel paranoid. Why does he not want sex with me? Is he having sex with another woman? More than likely John is faithful to his marriage but having conflicting feelings toward his wife. He can’t come out and express his negative feelings honestly so he expresses them by rejecting her sexually. Instead of opening up about his negative feelings and finding a solution that will strengthen the relationship, John is subconsciously choosing to deal with his negative emotions by punishing Jane. Not only are his negative feelings damaging the relationship but the way he deals with those feelings does further damage.
• June is upset with Jake over an unkind remark he made to her. June tells Jake that her feelings were hurt when he told her the house was not tidy enough and she spent her days wasting time. Jake reacts to June by saying, “fine” and walking away. June is left to wonder what “fine” means. Does it mean Jake will no longer make unkind remarks? Does it mean that Jake could care less whether her feelings were hurt or not? June has no way of knowing whether she was heard by Jake or whether or not her feelings are important to Jake. June will naturally begin to make assumptions about Jakes feelings for her and you can bet that those assumptions will be negative.
Jill and Joe have been talking about buying a new car for several months. Joe wants to buy Jill a car and Jill has a definite opinion about what car she wants. One day Joe comes home with a new car. Not the car Jill wanted but a car Joe felt was more appropriate. Joe was willing to discuss what kind of car they would buy but when it came to making the final decision, he shut Jill out. He has sent Jill the message that although she can have an opinion, in the end those opinions weren’t of any value to Joe.
The one thing common in all three examples is the devaluation of feelings by a spouse. A spouse whose behaviors are ambiguous not only devalues their own feelings they devalue those of their spouse. When a spouse begins to feel his/her thoughts or opinions are of no value they begin to withdraw from the relationship. They are, after all in a relationship with someone who doesn’t seem to care so why should they care.
