This post is from a book by Wendy Watson Nelson titled: Change your Questions, Change your Life.
Chapter 4: Beliefs and Questions
Could your beliefs be the problem? Your beliefs influence everything you see, think, feel, and do. Some of your beliefs are helpful and some are not! Some beliefs can promote solutions; some, problems. What are your beliefs doing for you?
Let’s start with the definition of a belief. A belief is the lens through which we view the world. With that definition in mind, it follows that: what we believe is what we see.
Believing Is Seeing!
Yes, our beliefs influence what we are able to see. What else influences what we see in the world around us? Answer:
The state of our physical, psychological, social, and spiritual self influences what we are presently able to see.
For instance, if we are tired, feeling mistreated, lonely, or spiritually bankrupt, we may not see things the same way we would if we were rested; feeling loved, supported, needed, and wanted; and were spiritually in tune with the Lord.
We see things as WE really are!
Do you remember the question that the angel asks Nephi when he shows Nephi the tree of life? He asks, “What beholdest thou?” (1Nephi 11:14). I wonder if the angel was merely asking; “What do you see?” Or could it be that he was trying to determine, “What are you able to see?” What Nephi was able to see would reveal his current spiritual capacity. The truth is that painful or confusing life experiences can distort our way of looking at things and generate beliefs that constrain us and cause problems.
We may see things that aren’t there, and we may not see things that are!
If what we believe has been derived through a warped or fractured lens and we aren’t seeing things as they really are, it becomes difficult to reach useful conclusions or make good decisions.
One key to solving our problems is to identify the beliefs that are at the heart of the matter – our core beliefs.
There are two kinds of core beliefs:
1. Hindering or constraining beliefs, which decrease options for solutions
2. Helpful or facilitating beliefs, which increase options for solutions
Hindering or constraining beliefs lock us up. They lock up our minds and our hearts. They lock up our solution –seeking and problem – solving abilities. Constraining beliefs hold our true selves captive!
On the other hand:
Helpful or facilitating beliefs free our minds and hearts and help us see situations with new eyes and greater energy. Our vision, our thoughts, our feelings are not restricted or constrained. We feel as though we can see forever.
Helpful or facilitating beliefs keep us open to divine truths and direction.
Since finding our core beliefs can help us solve our problems, how can we find them?
Ways to Discover Your Core Beliefs
Your core beliefs are revealed in the questions you ask yourself and in the stories you tell. Let me walk you through some experiences that will help you uncover your beliefs by looking at key questions and important stories in your life.
*Think about
What questions do you ask yourself when things go wrong, when people disappoint you, when troubles and tragedies happen, when you are having a really bad day?
Go back in your mind. Do you say to yourself, “Why can’t I ever get a break?” Or perhaps, “Why me?”
**Write about
Write the questions you ask yourself whenever lousy, terrible, horrific things happen to you.
Put them down on paper so you can see them. Now, looking at those questions, can you see some hints about what you believe about life? Love? Yourself? Others? The Lord?
Really think about the questions and your beliefs. Now write about them.
*Think about
Now think of the questions you ask yourself on a good day.
Go back in our mind. What questions do you ask yourself when things go well, when people are kind to and appreciative of you, when successes occur? Do you say, “Why am I so blessed or lucky?” or “What horrible thing is going to happen now that this good thing has occurred?”
**Write about
Write down the questions you ask yourself on a good day so you can see them. Looking at those questions, can you see some hints about what you believe about life? Love? Yourself? Others? The Lord? Really think about the questions and your beliefs. Write about them. Now review what you have written. Would you say your beliefs are “helpful and facilitating” or “Hindering and constraining”?
Let’s try another approach to uncover some of your core beliefs. Think of a family motto that influenced your life as you grew up, a theme that guided how family members behaved. Perhaps it was an official family motto or maybe it was an “unofficial” motto that you learned as you observed your parents living their lives.
Do any of the following sound familiar?
“big boys don’t cry” “It’s always darkest before the dawn”. “Most of the work in the world is done by people who don’t feel well.” “Never let them see you sweat”. “Your worth is equal to how hard you work”.
Perhaps a visit with a family member regarding this question could initiate a great conversation and even a heart-to-heart talk. When you think you have identified one of your family mottos – or something close to it – write it down.
*Think about
What influence did your family motto have on you while you were growing up?
Did you accept it as true? Did you resent it? How does it influence you today?
**Write about
What is my family motto? How has it influenced my life?
Another way to uncover our discover those beliefs that influence you – those core beliefs that influence all you think, say and do – is to complete the following sentences.
A good husband………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
A good wife…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
A good son of an ill father…………………………………………………………………………………….
A good employee………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
A good person who is under stress…………………………………………………………………………………
Well, you get the picture. Think of one of your present roles or situations in your life and write about what you think a “good” person in that role and situation is like or does. Can you see some of your beliefs peeking out, showing their heads, perhaps even their hand? Let’s explore how those beliefs influence your ability to solve your problems.
Solving Our Problems
Think about some problems in your life that you would love to solve and ask yourself if any of your beliefs – about yourself, others, life, or love – are
1. Perpetuating the problem?
2. Contributing to the problem?
3. Preventing solutions?
4. THE problem?
I am going to offer you several examples, but see what comes to your mind at this point. You can always change your answer.
*Think about
What beliefs about myself hold me captive? What beliefs about another person constrain me? What beliefs about life prevent me from moving forward? What beliefs about love prevent me from giving and receiving love?
**Write about
Identify one belief that is connected to your problem. Write it down.
A Helpful Question
Here is a question that will allow you to challenge that old “hindering, constraining belief” and open up new possibilities. It is the “If I were to believe” question. I have witnessed its positive influence in helping people, over and over again. It goes like this:
If I were to believe……………………………….(insert a helpful belief), what would be different?
Consider the following example:
A woman was held captive by a belief that she was worthless. That belief was planted by some cruel words spoken to her by her father when she was just a young girl. One day she was willing to really think about – and pray about – one question. And that made all the difference. The question was:
If I were to believe that my father was grieved about the words he misspoke so many years ago and I saw a videotape of him pacing the floor at 2 am, weeping and crying out, “I am so sorry for the pain I caused my daughter. I am so sorry that I made her doubt herself.” What would be different for me?
How to develop a useful “If I were to believe” question
How can you develop an “If I were to believe” question that can open up new possibilities for you and even change your life?
1. Identify the hindering or constraining belief that presently holds you captive and is perpetuating the problem. Example: God does not love me.
2. Insert a helpful or facilitating belief that would free you and support solutions. Example: I am a child of God who loves me. It is important to note that the helpful belief may be the complete opposite of the original non-helpful belief. In fact, it probably will be.
3. Pose the question.
***Try it
You’ve written down your old constraining belief that was causing you problems. Now think of a helpful, different belief, perhaps even one that is vastly different – 180 degrees different- from your old constraining belief. What comes to mind? Anything?
**Write about
Fill in the blank on your own “If I were to believe” question by inserting a helpful, 180 degree different belief from the present belief that constrains you and perpetuates the problem:
If I were to believe……………………………………………………………………. What would be different?
What would I be able to do that I can’t do now
SOME OTHER HELPFUL QUESTIONS
Let’s try some other sentence stems to help you.
Instead of “If you were to believe,” try these:
If I were to discover…… (insert a belief that is dramatically different from that which you currently believe)
If I were to remember…… (again, insert a belief that is very different from that which you presently hold)
Did that help? Try this one as well to help you open your heart to a new helpful belief:
If for the next ten minutes I were to believe….(insert helpful belief), what difference would that make?
Or this:
I don’t really believe this, but if I were to believe……(insert helpful belief that is 180-degrees different from your present belief),
What would be different? Write about your answers. Take your time.
Now let’s use the “If I were to believe” question to embed some truths into our hearts and minds, to invite us to live up to our privileges, to be our true selves. What comes to your mind and to your heart as you prayerfully consider the following statements of eternal truth?
YOU DON’T NEED TO BE ALONE
If you were to believe that the Holy Ghost really could be your constant companion – and if you could picture Him right there beside you – how would you manage this very difficult relationship situation?
SOMEONE MAY BE TRYING TO HELP
Think of a troublesome situation you have with another person. It feels as though you are caught in a vicious cycle. Now ask yourself this question:
If I were to believe that my (parent, friend, sister, etc.) really loves me and that his or her behavior – the very behavior that has caused me concern or even annoyed me the most – has actually been his or her very best effort to draw close to me and to help solve our problems, what would change?
And now let me offer you two last sets of “If you were to believe” questions that should really be stated as “If you were to remember the truth” questions.
Here they are. Let’s put these last two questions in first person – for you!
Ask yourself:
If I really were to remember that there is power in the Atonement for me (healing power, enabling power, purifying power, saving power), what difference would that make in my life?
What would I be able to do that I can’t do now?
And this last one:
If I really were to remember that there is power in the Atonement for me –
What questions would I stop asking?
What questions would I start asking?
How would my life be different?
Chapter 4: Beliefs and Questions
Could your beliefs be the problem? Your beliefs influence everything you see, think, feel, and do. Some of your beliefs are helpful and some are not! Some beliefs can promote solutions; some, problems. What are your beliefs doing for you?
Let’s start with the definition of a belief. A belief is the lens through which we view the world. With that definition in mind, it follows that: what we believe is what we see.
Believing Is Seeing!
Yes, our beliefs influence what we are able to see. What else influences what we see in the world around us? Answer:
The state of our physical, psychological, social, and spiritual self influences what we are presently able to see.
For instance, if we are tired, feeling mistreated, lonely, or spiritually bankrupt, we may not see things the same way we would if we were rested; feeling loved, supported, needed, and wanted; and were spiritually in tune with the Lord.
We see things as WE really are!
Do you remember the question that the angel asks Nephi when he shows Nephi the tree of life? He asks, “What beholdest thou?” (1Nephi 11:14). I wonder if the angel was merely asking; “What do you see?” Or could it be that he was trying to determine, “What are you able to see?” What Nephi was able to see would reveal his current spiritual capacity. The truth is that painful or confusing life experiences can distort our way of looking at things and generate beliefs that constrain us and cause problems.
We may see things that aren’t there, and we may not see things that are!
If what we believe has been derived through a warped or fractured lens and we aren’t seeing things as they really are, it becomes difficult to reach useful conclusions or make good decisions.
One key to solving our problems is to identify the beliefs that are at the heart of the matter – our core beliefs.
There are two kinds of core beliefs:
1. Hindering or constraining beliefs, which decrease options for solutions
2. Helpful or facilitating beliefs, which increase options for solutions
Hindering or constraining beliefs lock us up. They lock up our minds and our hearts. They lock up our solution –seeking and problem – solving abilities. Constraining beliefs hold our true selves captive!
On the other hand:
Helpful or facilitating beliefs free our minds and hearts and help us see situations with new eyes and greater energy. Our vision, our thoughts, our feelings are not restricted or constrained. We feel as though we can see forever.
Helpful or facilitating beliefs keep us open to divine truths and direction.
Since finding our core beliefs can help us solve our problems, how can we find them?
Ways to Discover Your Core Beliefs
Your core beliefs are revealed in the questions you ask yourself and in the stories you tell. Let me walk you through some experiences that will help you uncover your beliefs by looking at key questions and important stories in your life.
*Think about
What questions do you ask yourself when things go wrong, when people disappoint you, when troubles and tragedies happen, when you are having a really bad day?
Go back in your mind. Do you say to yourself, “Why can’t I ever get a break?” Or perhaps, “Why me?”
**Write about
Write the questions you ask yourself whenever lousy, terrible, horrific things happen to you.
Put them down on paper so you can see them. Now, looking at those questions, can you see some hints about what you believe about life? Love? Yourself? Others? The Lord?
Really think about the questions and your beliefs. Now write about them.
*Think about
Now think of the questions you ask yourself on a good day.
Go back in our mind. What questions do you ask yourself when things go well, when people are kind to and appreciative of you, when successes occur? Do you say, “Why am I so blessed or lucky?” or “What horrible thing is going to happen now that this good thing has occurred?”
**Write about
Write down the questions you ask yourself on a good day so you can see them. Looking at those questions, can you see some hints about what you believe about life? Love? Yourself? Others? The Lord? Really think about the questions and your beliefs. Write about them. Now review what you have written. Would you say your beliefs are “helpful and facilitating” or “Hindering and constraining”?
Let’s try another approach to uncover some of your core beliefs. Think of a family motto that influenced your life as you grew up, a theme that guided how family members behaved. Perhaps it was an official family motto or maybe it was an “unofficial” motto that you learned as you observed your parents living their lives.
Do any of the following sound familiar?
“big boys don’t cry” “It’s always darkest before the dawn”. “Most of the work in the world is done by people who don’t feel well.” “Never let them see you sweat”. “Your worth is equal to how hard you work”.
Perhaps a visit with a family member regarding this question could initiate a great conversation and even a heart-to-heart talk. When you think you have identified one of your family mottos – or something close to it – write it down.
*Think about
What influence did your family motto have on you while you were growing up?
Did you accept it as true? Did you resent it? How does it influence you today?
**Write about
What is my family motto? How has it influenced my life?
Another way to uncover our discover those beliefs that influence you – those core beliefs that influence all you think, say and do – is to complete the following sentences.
A good husband………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
A good wife…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
A good son of an ill father…………………………………………………………………………………….
A good employee………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
A good person who is under stress…………………………………………………………………………………
Well, you get the picture. Think of one of your present roles or situations in your life and write about what you think a “good” person in that role and situation is like or does. Can you see some of your beliefs peeking out, showing their heads, perhaps even their hand? Let’s explore how those beliefs influence your ability to solve your problems.
Solving Our Problems
Think about some problems in your life that you would love to solve and ask yourself if any of your beliefs – about yourself, others, life, or love – are
1. Perpetuating the problem?
2. Contributing to the problem?
3. Preventing solutions?
4. THE problem?
I am going to offer you several examples, but see what comes to your mind at this point. You can always change your answer.
*Think about
What beliefs about myself hold me captive? What beliefs about another person constrain me? What beliefs about life prevent me from moving forward? What beliefs about love prevent me from giving and receiving love?
**Write about
Identify one belief that is connected to your problem. Write it down.
A Helpful Question
Here is a question that will allow you to challenge that old “hindering, constraining belief” and open up new possibilities. It is the “If I were to believe” question. I have witnessed its positive influence in helping people, over and over again. It goes like this:
If I were to believe……………………………….(insert a helpful belief), what would be different?
Consider the following example:
A woman was held captive by a belief that she was worthless. That belief was planted by some cruel words spoken to her by her father when she was just a young girl. One day she was willing to really think about – and pray about – one question. And that made all the difference. The question was:
If I were to believe that my father was grieved about the words he misspoke so many years ago and I saw a videotape of him pacing the floor at 2 am, weeping and crying out, “I am so sorry for the pain I caused my daughter. I am so sorry that I made her doubt herself.” What would be different for me?
How to develop a useful “If I were to believe” question
How can you develop an “If I were to believe” question that can open up new possibilities for you and even change your life?
1. Identify the hindering or constraining belief that presently holds you captive and is perpetuating the problem. Example: God does not love me.
2. Insert a helpful or facilitating belief that would free you and support solutions. Example: I am a child of God who loves me. It is important to note that the helpful belief may be the complete opposite of the original non-helpful belief. In fact, it probably will be.
3. Pose the question.
***Try it
You’ve written down your old constraining belief that was causing you problems. Now think of a helpful, different belief, perhaps even one that is vastly different – 180 degrees different- from your old constraining belief. What comes to mind? Anything?
**Write about
Fill in the blank on your own “If I were to believe” question by inserting a helpful, 180 degree different belief from the present belief that constrains you and perpetuates the problem:
If I were to believe……………………………………………………………………. What would be different?
What would I be able to do that I can’t do now
SOME OTHER HELPFUL QUESTIONS
Let’s try some other sentence stems to help you.
Instead of “If you were to believe,” try these:
If I were to discover…… (insert a belief that is dramatically different from that which you currently believe)
If I were to remember…… (again, insert a belief that is very different from that which you presently hold)
Did that help? Try this one as well to help you open your heart to a new helpful belief:
If for the next ten minutes I were to believe….(insert helpful belief), what difference would that make?
Or this:
I don’t really believe this, but if I were to believe……(insert helpful belief that is 180-degrees different from your present belief),
What would be different? Write about your answers. Take your time.
Now let’s use the “If I were to believe” question to embed some truths into our hearts and minds, to invite us to live up to our privileges, to be our true selves. What comes to your mind and to your heart as you prayerfully consider the following statements of eternal truth?
YOU DON’T NEED TO BE ALONE
If you were to believe that the Holy Ghost really could be your constant companion – and if you could picture Him right there beside you – how would you manage this very difficult relationship situation?
SOMEONE MAY BE TRYING TO HELP
Think of a troublesome situation you have with another person. It feels as though you are caught in a vicious cycle. Now ask yourself this question:
If I were to believe that my (parent, friend, sister, etc.) really loves me and that his or her behavior – the very behavior that has caused me concern or even annoyed me the most – has actually been his or her very best effort to draw close to me and to help solve our problems, what would change?
And now let me offer you two last sets of “If you were to believe” questions that should really be stated as “If you were to remember the truth” questions.
Here they are. Let’s put these last two questions in first person – for you!
Ask yourself:
If I really were to remember that there is power in the Atonement for me (healing power, enabling power, purifying power, saving power), what difference would that make in my life?
What would I be able to do that I can’t do now?
And this last one:
If I really were to remember that there is power in the Atonement for me –
What questions would I stop asking?
What questions would I start asking?
How would my life be different?
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